every may

my home ward has "the ward clean up"
now it's a shadow of what it once was, I don't think they even call it "the ward clean up" anymore.

 me and aly would have a sleepover and then wake up early to follow the huge dump truck they rented around the neighborhood. we would throw sticks into it while the men and boys would actually work - throwing huge tree limbs in. we were in love with pretty much every single young man in our ward at some point, so we had a great excuse to spend a saturday morning with them. we'd have breakfast at some point and spend the day outside.

so, like i said, shadow of what it once was. but here's my church... for me that's kind of like saying "here's my childhood".

and now...

the blog has got a little face lift.

let's talk.
coming home from my mission has been oh so hard. I've missed it like crazy. I've had the hardest time finding a new purpose. I've had the hardest time adjusting to the fact that everyone else's life moved on while I was away and I wasn't a part of that.

and winter semester was killer. (I got a bloody 3.59 though! How did that happen??)

and I've had the hardest time moving on with my life. Decisions that are hard to make- had to make 'em.

and I'm still alive.
ready to be the new me.

while I was gone, my brother wrote me a letter (james, such a champion, right?) and told me that when I went on my mission "jillian hicken" as everyone knew her ceased to exist and that I was now "sister hicken". and that was a good thing, not because "jillian hicken" was bad, but because "sister hicken" could be so much more. and that when I would get home, "sister hicken" wouldn't exist any more (the most heart wrenching, excruciating extraction that ever could have been. i reached up and clutched my tag for the entire process and sobbed. me. she-who-has-no-soul. this is another story for another time) and that I would be "jillian hicken" but a different one than I was before. That she could be better than even "sister hicken" was.

well, as difficult to explain that was, it was twenty times more difficult to actually do.
in fact I'm not done doing it.

but at last i'm ready to!
* * * *
I had a thought today. It has to be a conscious decision for me. Every day I have to decide to be in love with my life.
It's pretty charmed, but I fall into that heinous trap of comparison. Instead of falling in deep love with my beautiful life.
it's on the top of my "to do" list. :]

decisions

Bueno! Here are some upcoming things

1. I met with my non-profit management minor adviser today. I actually have a career path. I want to work with writing grants. I'm really excited. They sort of build an internship in with everything. Great news because I've been worried about an internship.
2. I'm going to do a new segment on my blog. I'm going to go to Rosie's care facility and interview some people. Get their thoughts on life, love, things...
3. Spring is coming, and I'm happy.  
4. I WILL NOT FAIL SCHOOL!

Those are four things. In my journal, for 18 months, I did "5 things" every night. 5 things I am grateful from today. Sometimes (a notable time that I remember) my "5 things" were 5 words long and one of them was Nyquil. Sometimes being a missionary is tough.

people need photos to stay interested. Until I get better at planning my blogging... here's a picture 

of my wonderful brothers and I

at the beach

in california

in january.

Jonny is doing fantastic by the way :]

i wish I had something cool to blog about...

I'm trying to decide what career path to take.

• I'm thinking about getting a Non-Profit Minor and then really going for this grant writing business..
• I'm also thinking about getting an editing minor
• I will never be able to stop thinking about possibly getting a teaching certificate 
• I think sometimes that I will just move to the woods, connect with nature, and become a ba-zillionaire author.....
• I'm also getting a communications minor, so I could go into PR (because I wouldn't want to do anything else in communications)

So, intense right? Then there is the ever popular

• how about I just finish my degree and go to hair school??

I'm craving something new right now. You know what I mean? I'm craving something new.

Once upon a time we all went to Denver.

And I had BlueBell again. 

Life was beautiful.

BUUUUT: you can get it in Provo! I know, I know, this is the best news you have ever heard.

You get it at this place called "Ikes"

whoops gotta go to work! see yall soon.

ps anyone is welcome to weigh in on my career path options at any moment. i am so conflicted. 

does everyone...?

Does everyone go semi-crazy and get an "oooh-bad-idea"-haircut when they get home from a mission?
..
just me?
Cool.

So I got a haircut. And it looks cute. I admit this. But I miss my long hair SO badly. And my short hair has finally grown to the point that I like it. But I haven't blow-dried my hair in oh... two to three weeks.
(that's the secret, my people. don't blow dry your hair and it should grow like mad. should.)

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In other news:
Tonight I finished season 2 of this puppy:

(Yes I jumped on the Downton Abbey bandwagon. So sue me.)

and can I just say: FINALLY!! Finally Matthew and Mary! FI.NA.LLY!

I haven't touched season 3 yet, so all y'all ruiners out there, don't even think about it. I will kill you.

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In other other news:

Jonny boy is doing well. I'm so proud of him. He's going to be such an amazing leader, and he already is such a great missionary. He just works so hard, I can tell. 

Slightly related I had my 2nd interview at the MTC yesterday. Trippiest thing in the world to be back there. Anyway, they said they'd let me know about the job in a few weeks. Crossies, guys??? Thanks.

And slightly related to that; sometimes (like yesterday morning times) I miss my mission so much that I can't breathe. 

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I'm going to do my own spa night :] Gallon vat of coconut oil, here I come.

love y'all. I've missed ya.

-jillian

guys, did you know...

• i should be in bed. for sure.
• i just have too much homework that isn't totally done yet
• i just got back from DENVER to visit Jenna three hours ago

AND

• guys, being skinny is not the same thing as being fit.
• I am skinny.
• not fit.
• therefore, i have a plan
• I am going to get fit. (among lots of other things) and this will be my record of it.
• i'm going to go running in the morn.

that's all. goodnight. here's a photo.

i told people all the time...

Think about the person you love the most. If you're a parent, think about you child. Can you explain to me how you feel about your child in words?

One of the biggest reasons God gave us a family was to help us understand how He feels about us. He couldn't tell someone and have them write it as scripture in a way that would mean as much to us as letting us experience it ourselves.

Every father or mother I have asked says they can't describe in adequate words the way they feel about their children. Neither can our Heavenly Father. The way He loves us is like the way we love our children. Except it's perfect.


[ps. this video about made me cry... so good.]

three twelve am

what in the world am I still doing up?

great question.
                           
                Today I had a lot of thoughts. I went to the temple, which is where I feel an astounding amount of
                 clarity.

And, whaddya know? Clarity. Perspective. The whole kit-and-caboodle.

but that's not why I'm still up.
I watched.... a chick flick tonight.
                                          "The Vow"
                   So I thought a little about fella. And wanted him for a little while. But honestly, I'm okay to be patient. I know what I want... that was the other part of me staying up til 3 17 now (that and pinterest)
 to introduce this point, mr. ralph waldo emerson...

let me confess: since I've been home, I've been a little off. I've felt totally off balance.
      but after tonight and some seriously journaling (even though I don't love my journal. can't wait to get a new one. any suggestions as to where?) I recognized a few key things. That are going to make me happier in the coming days.

Alright. Seriously I am wasting time. I hate that. But its the weekend. I can do what I want, right?

well im back

so... hi.
I'm back. And my darling little brother is gone. :[ but I'm so excited for him. I'm going to get back to regular blogging, but give me a second. I've got a whole ton of logs on the fire, like... seriously 2000 mental lbs of logs...
I'll keep yall updated.

There is an ice storm going on today. And I fell down.
                                                                In the middle of the road...
                                                                                                                ....twice.
Loserly.

Here's a picture of the best and newest Elder headed to the luckiest mission the the world.