Wednesday, August 2, 2017

journalist

Talking with myself and my mother recently, I discovered what I want the most out of life. When I feel fulfilled vs when I feel empty and dissatisfied come from the same thing; the same word:
Community.
I love community. I love having a community and feeling secure in the community.
I want to start creating communities. In the past I waited to be invited in a community; I waited to enter a community that I didn't have responsibility to create. 
I'll feel most fulfilled when I'm creating a community and participating in a community.

This brings me to what I want. What I want to start working on so it doesn't go away, because I had a dream that felt this good before and I let it go away. I don't want it anymore.

I want to be a journalist. I want to be a journalist without necessarily going back to journalism school. I want to interview inspiring women, podcast release, and write on a blog. This blog? I don't know. Probably not. I'll want to buy a website, purchase a domain. I'll do an Instagram like humans of NY. 

I think my issue before was I listed a bunch of topics I wanted to write about. When really, it's women and people that I want to write about. I love people. I think they're fascinating. I think they're the reason we exist - to help and be helped by other people. Life is beautiful. I want to live it AND interview other people about it. 

The first things I want to be doing to work toward this goal :
  • develop listening skills
    • reflective listening
    • focus on the person's words, not my response 
  • network with a few people
I feel like I'd also like to work toward writing my own experience. Interviewing myself. How funny, that's an idea! Maybe I'll interview myself on my podcast now and then.
Brand. Branding. Personal and space branding.

The other thing- I don't want to speak negatively about others. What Susie Says of Sally says more of Susie than of Sally. One of my favorite quotes. And truth.

Work on self love, confidence, and compassion. All of this feels good. 

Thursday, July 6, 2017

two babies later

18 months... that's long enough for someone to have 2 babies. (I haven't done that, by the way, no cigar).
I want to start something; a business? A podcast? Both? I think I want to be a journalist. I don't want to go back to school, but I want to write and I want to get stories and I want to connect with people.
List of Podcasts I'm listening to:

  • No Limits With Rebecca Jarvis: My favorite one. She is a broadcast journalist interviewing women "at the top of their game". She interviews so well, she asks amazing questions, and the stories are digestible and easy to relate to.
  • Munchin with Moguls: a local pocasts interviewing "moguls" which turns out to be women with large instagram followings. It's very interesting and compelling because it is dripping in the culture I am immersed in. I've contacted her to ask if I can help her work on the podcast
  • 30 for 30 by ESPN: I love sports, I love sports stories. There is emotion and struggle and victory and defeat and there's always a winner and a loser in a world that doesn't always give me that in clear terms. 



Those 3 are my tops right now (and to be honest, haven't listened to 30 for 30, but it trust it enough to recommend it anyway). 

Watching Utah Jazz Summer League, gotta jet.

Monday, January 4, 2016

its 12:32

I do this sometimes...

I stay up too late because I'm feeling motivated and creative. It all started, if I remember correctly, years ago when I realized that writing was my passion. I knew it was my passion because I would sacrifice sleep - sleep the most important thing to me - to write. It was like my creative juices just started flowing at 10:00 pm and didn't stop until 2 or 3 in the morning. I would write and write and write and then go back and read in a matter of minutes what had just taken me an hour to get out on paper. The middle knuckle of my right hand smeared with blue or black ink.

I talked to some wonderful, supportive, kind girls tonight about passion. And my what our jobs do for us and what a difference they make, and why I absolutely can't get up in the morning. My mother told me I was depressed, and that if I didn't feel better by this week, she was making me go back to he doctor and tell him I was feeling so crummy. But, the thing is I've been depressed before - within the last year actually - and this feels very different. Anyway, Tessa, one of those kind supportive girls, said in response to my tired question "It sounds like you just have nothing to look forward to. Nothing getting you out of bed in the morning." A mallet struck a gong in my head at those words. And I turned to JaNae and said " I really need to start working on my project."

I'm here to report for duty on this project. It's the first week of the new year, 2016, and if I start off right it will be easier to stay right. (Oh the train just whistled. I hope with all my heart that I always live close enough to a train to hear that sound. Heavenly) My project is very similar to (and obviously inspired by) Humans of New York. Gosh this is fascinating: Humans of New York Story. Check that out stat. Anyway, the short version is that Brandon Stanton moved to NYC in 2010 because he wanted to take photographs of 10,000 people and plot those pictures on a map of the city. His blog became wildly popular because he managed to capture exactly what people want to see in other people: commonality, humanity, relationship. And it's truly fascinating.

Take that. Add to it my enchantment with people of my grandparents generation and before. With their wisdom, their stories, their unique lives- how they are so different from my life and so identical in the same breath. And finally, splash in the utter heartbreak I feel when I see older people alone and struggling, and voila! My project is born.

I'm going to visit retirement communities and talk with the people there. Interview them about their lives. And post a picture with a small snippet of the story on my instagram. Then link it to my blog here - hellooooo! - with a larger more developed story. Either in interview style or in a narrative.

And that I am passionate about. It's been difficult for me, since my mission, to marry my love of writing (which is an incredibly solitary task of necessity) with my love and adoration of interacting with people (which I had in spades in my youth and then lost with the loudest and ugliest bang you've ever heard somewhere in my early teens. Another story for another time... )

Gosh it feels good to write. It does. And to read. Why do I love it so much? A question, again, for another time. Tonight I am watching the clock tick and thinking about work tomorrow and how I have vowed to be there earlier even though that work - work I am grateful for and work that pays the bills- does decidedly not get me out of bed. I am thinking about the inspiring people there are and feeling grateful for them. I am happy.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

home

Once upon a time, five years ago now, I was living with 3 of my best friends in a little apartment. One of my friends has the most crazy sense of discipline I've ever seen in anyone. She succeeds at whatever she does because of it; at least partly because of it. This friend of mine would go swimming a few times a week in the a.m. I love the water. I love the feeling of being in the water, being by the water, touching water, drinking water, you name it. But I hadn't actually tried to swim a lap in years. Probably not since my mom had put me in swim lessons as a kid. I didn't know if I was doing it right, and (classic me) since I wasn't sure if I'd look stupid, I chose not to try.
But for some reason, I decided to start going with my friend to the pool. We'd crawl out of bed in the pitch blackness that was winter mornings in Utah and be at the pool at 6 am. This was pre-LASIK surgery so I wouldn't wear my contacts and just focus on the blurry blue line on the bottom of the pool. We'd swim for the free-swim hour and then go home, I'd shower and be at work by 8:00 am. I'd drink a shake on my walk to work. And then we'd do it all again the next day, or two days later.
I remember one day, walking to or from school, at a spot I could take you to right now, and feeling this incredible feeling that I had never felt before. A feeling I've been chasing ever since. I felt completely connected to my body. My body felt like the home and house for my spirit and they felt so in sync and in harmony. I felt so good.
So I've been thinking about how my body is my home. And how you can feel at home in your body, "no more a stranger nor a guest but like a child at home" where ever you go. Whatever situation you're in, you can have total home field advantage if your mind and body are connected. If you're one with yourself.
So that's my goal. That's my goal, one of my million trillion goals right now. But that's an important one because it fuels several of my other goals. I want to feel connected to my body I want all of me to be working together, not competing like separate beings. My body clashing with my mind, my physical limitations clashing with my goals. I want to be grounded. I read an article about the root chakra. And that seems to be what is imbalanced for me. 
Maybe I've been looking for error in the wrong places. I've always tried and tried to be more confident. But maybe there's a deeper cause to what I'm lacking. Maybe it's deeper. 
I wish that I could just ask and get the answer here. But that's not life, that's not at all how we learn. We learn little by little by little. And I'm willing to learn.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

being put together

Seriously cannot tell you how many times in the past few months (orrrr the past 24 hours) that I've said to someone "Seriously, my life is out of control." It's true. I have been outta whack and I'm still working on getting "in whack". But I think I've had a breakthrough this week. I need to give all credit to God for this one, because He has been the difference. It's been a blessing, plain and simple. And I'm incredibly grateful for that. I'm grateful for the people that are in my life - all of them are such incredible individuals. That's my #1 that I'm grateful for - people. I need people so much, I am realizing more and more. People and relationships are what it's all about. I'm growing this year learning about that.
BUT as the title of this post says, I want to focus on making a list tonight: a list of what I believe makes people "put together".
Seriously brainstorming this as we go:

  1. Cooking meals - especially breakfast. 
  2. Having a bedtime
  3. Taking good care of yourself - looking dece when you go outside.
  4. Exercising regularly
  5. Being able to roll with the punches of life, and relationships, and everything.
  6. Looking outward daily
  7. Improving relationships daily
So that's a few. I don't know why I wanted to make this list really. Other than my life has been out of control lately and that is something I'd like to stop.
I'm doing good. I'm doing better. I cooked for the past 2 days! (hallelujah hands!) My mind is getting healthier I think. Things are cooling down and looking better
Night.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

mantras

So, mantra's have a bad wrap. Like, if you have a mantra or you say a mantra, you're a weirdo who needs to talk themselves down off a ledge every day. At least that's what it's like in my mind.
Yesterday, as I was perusing soc-med (totes abbrevs right now) I saw this post about mantras:

I have been thinking about this since last night. The world is pretty toxic. There's so much good in the world, but I also believe there is so much crap. And our minds are bombarded every day with what we're not based on what other people are, or what we should be, or what we could have been. It takes a toll on your mind, which takes a toll on your attitude, which takes a toll on your actions. Cyclical, right? 
So, why not inject your mind with good things on purpose? Why not take care of yourself and the way that you think? I read a book once that asked "Why do we spend so much time teaching kids 
math, and writing, and reading and so little time teaching them how to think?" TRUTH. 
Remember in The Help when Aibileen asked Mae Mobley for the last time:
“Baby Girl,” I say. “I need you to remember everything I told you. Do you remember what I told you?” ...

 I look deep into her rich brown eyes and she look into mine. Law, she got old-soul eyes, like she done lived a thousand years. And I swear I see, down inside, the woman she gone grow up to be. A flash from the future. She is tall and straight. She is proud. She got a better haircut. And she is remembering the words I put in her head. Remembering as a full grown woman. 

And then she say it, just like I need her to. “You is kind,” she say, “you is smart. You is important.”
That's a mantra, my friends. And it's one of the most beautiful gifts I've ever heard of. Aibileen was teaching Baby Girl how to think. She was giving her something positive to fill her head with because there was going to be so much going against her. Aibileen knew about how toxic the world and it's million voices were.

My mantra:
I AM affection
I AM confidence
I AM creativity
I AM active
I AM connected

Being vulnerable is so hard for me. Like, so so hard for me. But there it is, inter-webs. There are the things I want to be the most. 

What's your mantra? 

XOXO



Thursday, July 16, 2015

settling

I'm gonna go full mormon on you and start with a definition:
settle: verbresolve or reach an agreement about (an argument or problem)adopt a more steady or secure style of life, especially in a permanent job and homesit or come to rest in a comfortable position.


So I mean, should I do that? None of those things seem bad. Resolve. Agree. Steady. Secure. Sit. Rest. Comfortable.

I hear two sides to this settling argument. "Never settle!" and "Don't be too picky!" I've always preferred the former. Because I think we're all worth every good thing we want. We don't always ask for that, is the problem. We can have all the good things we want. But sometimes we don't do the things that will make them happen.
Ugh, all of this philosophical shiz. It drives me crazy sometimes. Sometimes I want cold cut facts and actions. And all I have in my mind is walking in a circle philosophical garbage. 
I talked to my friend last night about possibilities.  And creating new possibilities for yourself. And acting in a new way. All of this is familiar. There is nothing new to me, really. Nothing is new. 
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. 
I see all these people. Living happy. Married. With Kids.
No secret, that's the life I'm wanting right now. That's the life I'm ready for. But all the guys who want to give me that life, or give me a start to that life, I don't want. But should I? I'm sure we'd be happy. I'm sure we'd be fine. I'm sure I'd even say later "I'm so grateful I didn't wait. I'm so grateful for this man." But here's the thing. Right now I know what I want. I know what not settling would look and feel like. And all the other things, they're settling. 
I guess I need to figure out if I want to settle and have the life I want, or if I want to hold out and have an unknown future and hopefully someday have the life I want. I guess that's the choice? Is it?
Okay, guys. What do you think? If anyone out in the world wide webs reads this rant and has any advice for me, I'm all ears.