Monday, January 4, 2016

its 12:32

I do this sometimes...

I stay up too late because I'm feeling motivated and creative. It all started, if I remember correctly, years ago when I realized that writing was my passion. I knew it was my passion because I would sacrifice sleep - sleep the most important thing to me - to write. It was like my creative juices just started flowing at 10:00 pm and didn't stop until 2 or 3 in the morning. I would write and write and write and then go back and read in a matter of minutes what had just taken me an hour to get out on paper. The middle knuckle of my right hand smeared with blue or black ink.

I talked to some wonderful, supportive, kind girls tonight about passion. And my what our jobs do for us and what a difference they make, and why I absolutely can't get up in the morning. My mother told me I was depressed, and that if I didn't feel better by this week, she was making me go back to he doctor and tell him I was feeling so crummy. But, the thing is I've been depressed before - within the last year actually - and this feels very different. Anyway, Tessa, one of those kind supportive girls, said in response to my tired question "It sounds like you just have nothing to look forward to. Nothing getting you out of bed in the morning." A mallet struck a gong in my head at those words. And I turned to JaNae and said " I really need to start working on my project."

I'm here to report for duty on this project. It's the first week of the new year, 2016, and if I start off right it will be easier to stay right. (Oh the train just whistled. I hope with all my heart that I always live close enough to a train to hear that sound. Heavenly) My project is very similar to (and obviously inspired by) Humans of New York. Gosh this is fascinating: Humans of New York Story. Check that out stat. Anyway, the short version is that Brandon Stanton moved to NYC in 2010 because he wanted to take photographs of 10,000 people and plot those pictures on a map of the city. His blog became wildly popular because he managed to capture exactly what people want to see in other people: commonality, humanity, relationship. And it's truly fascinating.

Take that. Add to it my enchantment with people of my grandparents generation and before. With their wisdom, their stories, their unique lives- how they are so different from my life and so identical in the same breath. And finally, splash in the utter heartbreak I feel when I see older people alone and struggling, and voila! My project is born.

I'm going to visit retirement communities and talk with the people there. Interview them about their lives. And post a picture with a small snippet of the story on my instagram. Then link it to my blog here - hellooooo! - with a larger more developed story. Either in interview style or in a narrative.

And that I am passionate about. It's been difficult for me, since my mission, to marry my love of writing (which is an incredibly solitary task of necessity) with my love and adoration of interacting with people (which I had in spades in my youth and then lost with the loudest and ugliest bang you've ever heard somewhere in my early teens. Another story for another time... )

Gosh it feels good to write. It does. And to read. Why do I love it so much? A question, again, for another time. Tonight I am watching the clock tick and thinking about work tomorrow and how I have vowed to be there earlier even though that work - work I am grateful for and work that pays the bills- does decidedly not get me out of bed. I am thinking about the inspiring people there are and feeling grateful for them. I am happy.

Thursday, September 24, 2015


Once upon a time, five years ago now, I was living with 3 of my best friends in a little apartment. One of my friends has the most crazy sense of discipline I've ever seen in anyone. She succeeds at whatever she does because of it; at least partly because of it. This friend of mine would go swimming a few times a week in the a.m. I love the water. I love the feeling of being in the water, being by the water, touching water, drinking water, you name it. But I hadn't actually tried to swim a lap in years. Probably not since my mom had put me in swim lessons as a kid. I didn't know if I was doing it right, and (classic me) since I wasn't sure if I'd look stupid, I chose not to try.
But for some reason, I decided to start going with my friend to the pool. We'd crawl out of bed in the pitch blackness that was winter mornings in Utah and be at the pool at 6 am. This was pre-LASIK surgery so I wouldn't wear my contacts and just focus on the blurry blue line on the bottom of the pool. We'd swim for the free-swim hour and then go home, I'd shower and be at work by 8:00 am. I'd drink a shake on my walk to work. And then we'd do it all again the next day, or two days later.
I remember one day, walking to or from school, at a spot I could take you to right now, and feeling this incredible feeling that I had never felt before. A feeling I've been chasing ever since. I felt completely connected to my body. My body felt like the home and house for my spirit and they felt so in sync and in harmony. I felt so good.
So I've been thinking about how my body is my home. And how you can feel at home in your body, "no more a stranger nor a guest but like a child at home" where ever you go. Whatever situation you're in, you can have total home field advantage if your mind and body are connected. If you're one with yourself.
So that's my goal. That's my goal, one of my million trillion goals right now. But that's an important one because it fuels several of my other goals. I want to feel connected to my body I want all of me to be working together, not competing like separate beings. My body clashing with my mind, my physical limitations clashing with my goals. I want to be grounded. I read an article about the root chakra. And that seems to be what is imbalanced for me. 
Maybe I've been looking for error in the wrong places. I've always tried and tried to be more confident. But maybe there's a deeper cause to what I'm lacking. Maybe it's deeper. 
I wish that I could just ask and get the answer here. But that's not life, that's not at all how we learn. We learn little by little by little. And I'm willing to learn.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

being put together

Seriously cannot tell you how many times in the past few months (orrrr the past 24 hours) that I've said to someone "Seriously, my life is out of control." It's true. I have been outta whack and I'm still working on getting "in whack". But I think I've had a breakthrough this week. I need to give all credit to God for this one, because He has been the difference. It's been a blessing, plain and simple. And I'm incredibly grateful for that. I'm grateful for the people that are in my life - all of them are such incredible individuals. That's my #1 that I'm grateful for - people. I need people so much, I am realizing more and more. People and relationships are what it's all about. I'm growing this year learning about that.
BUT as the title of this post says, I want to focus on making a list tonight: a list of what I believe makes people "put together".
Seriously brainstorming this as we go:

  1. Cooking meals - especially breakfast. 
  2. Having a bedtime
  3. Taking good care of yourself - looking dece when you go outside.
  4. Exercising regularly
  5. Being able to roll with the punches of life, and relationships, and everything.
  6. Looking outward daily
  7. Improving relationships daily
So that's a few. I don't know why I wanted to make this list really. Other than my life has been out of control lately and that is something I'd like to stop.
I'm doing good. I'm doing better. I cooked for the past 2 days! (hallelujah hands!) My mind is getting healthier I think. Things are cooling down and looking better

Wednesday, September 9, 2015


So, mantra's have a bad wrap. Like, if you have a mantra or you say a mantra, you're a weirdo who needs to talk themselves down off a ledge every day. At least that's what it's like in my mind.
Yesterday, as I was perusing soc-med (totes abbrevs right now) I saw this post about mantras:

I have been thinking about this since last night. The world is pretty toxic. There's so much good in the world, but I also believe there is so much crap. And our minds are bombarded every day with what we're not based on what other people are, or what we should be, or what we could have been. It takes a toll on your mind, which takes a toll on your attitude, which takes a toll on your actions. Cyclical, right? 
So, why not inject your mind with good things on purpose? Why not take care of yourself and the way that you think? I read a book once that asked "Why do we spend so much time teaching kids 
math, and writing, and reading and so little time teaching them how to think?" TRUTH. 
Remember in The Help when Aibileen asked Mae Mobley for the last time:
“Baby Girl,” I say. “I need you to remember everything I told you. Do you remember what I told you?” ...

 I look deep into her rich brown eyes and she look into mine. Law, she got old-soul eyes, like she done lived a thousand years. And I swear I see, down inside, the woman she gone grow up to be. A flash from the future. She is tall and straight. She is proud. She got a better haircut. And she is remembering the words I put in her head. Remembering as a full grown woman. 

And then she say it, just like I need her to. “You is kind,” she say, “you is smart. You is important.”
That's a mantra, my friends. And it's one of the most beautiful gifts I've ever heard of. Aibileen was teaching Baby Girl how to think. She was giving her something positive to fill her head with because there was going to be so much going against her. Aibileen knew about how toxic the world and it's million voices were.

My mantra:
I AM affection
I AM confidence
I AM creativity
I AM active
I AM connected

Being vulnerable is so hard for me. Like, so so hard for me. But there it is, inter-webs. There are the things I want to be the most. 

What's your mantra? 


Thursday, July 16, 2015


I'm gonna go full mormon on you and start with a definition:
settle: verbresolve or reach an agreement about (an argument or problem)adopt a more steady or secure style of life, especially in a permanent job and homesit or come to rest in a comfortable position.

So I mean, should I do that? None of those things seem bad. Resolve. Agree. Steady. Secure. Sit. Rest. Comfortable.

I hear two sides to this settling argument. "Never settle!" and "Don't be too picky!" I've always preferred the former. Because I think we're all worth every good thing we want. We don't always ask for that, is the problem. We can have all the good things we want. But sometimes we don't do the things that will make them happen.
Ugh, all of this philosophical shiz. It drives me crazy sometimes. Sometimes I want cold cut facts and actions. And all I have in my mind is walking in a circle philosophical garbage. 
I talked to my friend last night about possibilities.  And creating new possibilities for yourself. And acting in a new way. All of this is familiar. There is nothing new to me, really. Nothing is new. 
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. 
I see all these people. Living happy. Married. With Kids.
No secret, that's the life I'm wanting right now. That's the life I'm ready for. But all the guys who want to give me that life, or give me a start to that life, I don't want. But should I? I'm sure we'd be happy. I'm sure we'd be fine. I'm sure I'd even say later "I'm so grateful I didn't wait. I'm so grateful for this man." But here's the thing. Right now I know what I want. I know what not settling would look and feel like. And all the other things, they're settling. 
I guess I need to figure out if I want to settle and have the life I want, or if I want to hold out and have an unknown future and hopefully someday have the life I want. I guess that's the choice? Is it?
Okay, guys. What do you think? If anyone out in the world wide webs reads this rant and has any advice for me, I'm all ears. 

Monday, June 8, 2015


Fasting. Going without food or water for a period of time. If you're Ghandi, or you're religious, or you're doing some kind of a cleanse, you might have fasted before. 
Yesterday, I fasted. I fasted for healing and for happiness. Fasting without a purpose is, to me, the stupidest thing in the world. But fasting with a purpose - whoa. It changes things. It changes you. 
I started my fast yesterday with a prayer, to God. I asked Him for help with specific things that are cracking my heart and bending my spine, and then I asked Him to bless me to be happy yesterday. I said something like "Will you please just bless me to be happy today?" Sometimes you just need happy. I needed it yesterday.

People wonder if God loves them, or is aware of them, if He exists. I have wondered these things before; each of them. Yesterday I knew that God exists, loves me, and is aware of my life. Sometime between 8:30 and 10:30 I remember having the distinct thought "I'm happy. I asked Him to bless me with happiness and He did." 

Fasting is clarity to me. I remember when I was a missionary fasting one Sunday in Kingwood, Texas. I felt clarity like I'd never felt it before. I don't remember what I was fasting for, I doubt it was "clarity" exactly, but I felt it in every part of me. 

Sometimes, rationally, fasting doesn't make sense to me. Like, I'm not going to eat or drink and pray about my problems for a whole day, and you're going to turn around and make something manifest in my life that is unrelated to food and water? It doesn't seem to correlate. Does that make sense? That's when I remember that spiritual things always make sense. And someday I believe with all my heart I'll get it. Faith. That's faith. Trusting when it's dark. Trusting because other things have been dark, and then suddenly they weren't. Trusting that can happen again. 

Something I learned in the last day or so. You will survive. You will live through this thing that you thought would completely destroy you. You can still function and be hurting. You can still get up every day and be broken all day long. You can still wake up and get out of bed. You can survive pain. Pain doesn't destroy you. You can live through it. I don't know how often I have faced that kind of pain in my life, really faced it and allowed it to run it's course. Not "fixed" it because in this case I can't. 

So yesterday I was really happy at some point. And then I woke up this morning (why are mornings so hard? They are) and it was hurting again. And I almost gave in to it. I've given in to it for days and days previously. But this time I didn't. This time I came in to work. And I finished some projects and started others. This happens to be one of my projects for work. It's a writing exercise. Anyway, I am not giving in. I'm still here. This still hurts. But it honesty doesn't hurt as bad. And I feel hope again. That's another post for another time, but I'm starting to think that hope is necessary for happiness. Hope is what keeps us in the ring, keeps us swinging when our eyes are both swollen shut from being pummeled by life.

Easy times are coming. I have faith in that. I'm grateful for that hope. I'm grateful for the people that God gives to us. I'm grateful for fasting. Try it, if you want. Try fasting with a purpose. And watch how the Lord gives you what He can. He will give you everything that He can. He will because He loves you, he is aware of you, and He exists. 

Thursday, February 19, 2015

just hi

cali was amazing, just what i needed. got me thinking, got me relaxing and got me into the warm sun. consider yourself soaked, babe.