Tuesday, December 9, 2014

What a day and no snow

Well hey. I had a pretty bad day today, even threw a temper tantrum (neat, I am 3 years old) ans have been dizzy all day. But I also had a great long talk with kimmy lane and have read quite a few very uplifting blog posts. I realized that I don't have the deep thoughts I used to have as a missionary any more, and I think I can if I just allow myself more time for focus, less time for distractions of social media (bleh). 
I don't think very much any more about the plan I know God has for me. The plan that I know he made for everyone. "God did not put you on this earth to fail but to succeed gloriously". I don't think about the plan of salvation, that includes everyone. Me, too. I definitely don't think about those around me very often, I have become so concerned with myself. 
I don't want to write down a bunch of goals, resolutions, or intentions. Frankly my journal is full of lists upon lists of those. Each one of them as empty feeling as the last. I just want to write. I don't do it very often cause I'm afraid that someone will read this, someone I don't want to, and I'll be exposed- embarrassed. I want to write because I want something brilliant to come out, something inspiring. Honey, to write inspiring things you need to think inspiring thoughts. You want to.
I'm coming up on my last week of college - maybe ever. And I'm just feeling the stress of it all. I'm facing another holiday season completely single and let me tell you, the comments from friends and family are getting verrrrryy old spinster-y. Which is awesome. And I'm facing the end of a year I thought would change everything- and it didn't. I'm facing another list of New Years resolutions that I fully intend to keep. Another chest teeming with hope that this year will be different- it will be the magic year that I finally become who I want to be. 
And everything is uncertain. All I really know is I raged at heaven today. And yet I still feel love from heaven. I still feel an outpouring of good and Godly love from a Father that I haven't wanted to talk to lately. I still feel that. "Unworthy" as I am, I still feel worthy of that. And if I'm worthy of that, maybe there's hope that won't cripple me after all. Hope has been so painful lately. And especially today, I specifically told God that I didn't want to  ask for anything from Him because I was tired of being disappointed. But hope is hard to kill, right Mariah Carey? Though hope is frail it's hard to kill. I want my mind to be how it was when I had beautiful thoughts.