tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12079578014034952042024-03-13T11:01:16.671-06:00jilliJillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.comBlogger254125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-37581025415202262712018-05-31T11:06:00.000-06:002018-05-31T11:06:43.074-06:00some things i've learned, part ITo set the stage on this thing I've learned:<br />
<ul>
<li>There is a scripture that reads basically that man is nothing compared to God, our Father. That he has all power and all knowledge and that we do not (being mortal; being children). </li>
<li>When I was a kid I loved the book "A Ring of Endless Light" by Madeline L'Engle. There is a part where Vicki, the young protagonist, is talking to her grandfather (the Yoda of this book) and he mentions the following poem by Robert Browning </li>
</ul>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
If thou couldst empty all thyself of self,<br />
Like to a shell dishabited,<br />
Then might He find thee on the Ocean shelf,<br />
And say — "This is not dead," —<br />
And fill thee with Himself instead. </blockquote>
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But thou art all replete with very<span style="background-color: white;"> </span><i>thou,</i><br />
And hast such shrewd activity,<br />
That, when He comes, He says — "This is enow<br />
Unto itself — 'Twere better let it be:<br />
It is so small and full, there is no room for Me."</blockquote>
<ul>
<li>In the bible, Jesus says several times that He is here to do not his own will, but the will of his Father. Jesus is our perfect example in all things.</li>
<li>I am independent by nature and by nurture from an independent mom. I have an innate self confidence. I like to climb mountains and set goals and cross things off lists. Because it makes me feel human, it makes me feel capable.</li>
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If your mind is at all like mine, you can see I grew up with some beliefs that seemed contradictory. On the one hand is the inborn self esteem, this belief in myself and my abilities. On the other hand there is this contradiction - we should turn our lives over to God; that he knows better than us; and that we should not do our own will, but the will of God (to me that says, at the very least, that our wills are anything from uneducated to stupid to outright bad). That we should be 'empty all... of self' so that God can fill us with a higher mentality. Being replete with something that is just <i>us</i> is disappointing to God. </div>
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Stage: set.</div>
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Almost 18 months ago, I was sitting in church and the girl speaking made an analogy--life is like a maze. And praying is like having access to a map. The directions from point A to point B, from the entrance to the map to the exit, are right there. Can you imagine, based on this struggle inside I've explained, my reaction? </div>
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<i>Well, what is the point of even </i>being <i>in the maze? Just to follow what's already been laid out clearly in front of me? A robot could do that. A lemming could follow. There's no exploration. There's no learning. There's no achievement. I don't want a map. What's the purpose if I don't make the decisions on my own? Just to get into the maze and check a box for God? Going point A to point B. Where's the progression? What's the point?</i></div>
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(not knocking the girl who was giving the talk, I understand her point.)</div>
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So I thought about it. I asked people about it. I prayed about it. One person that I asked was my home-teacher, Garret, when he was visiting and asked if we had any questions we'd like him to study for us. Well, yes, as a matter of fact, what is the purpose of life if we're just supposed to be lemmings who don't make our own choices and let God make them for us? So we can be puppets in his hands and move when He says move? Why would it even be necessary for me to have a brain? Just so I can be aware that I suck? I'm not buying it.</div>
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Garret took that away and studied it. And he brought back a bunch of things: these great insights, some things I'd heard or though before, some brand new. They didn't solve my problem though. UNTIL. Until he read the following from Lao Tzu: </div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">Thirty spokes share the wheel's hub;</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">It is the center hole that makes it useful.</span><br />
<b><span style="background-color: white;">Shape clay into a vessel;</span><br /><span style="background-color: white;">It is the space within that makes it useful.</span></b><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">Cut doors and windows for a room;</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">It is the holes which make it useful.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">Therefore profit comes from what is there;</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><b>Usefulness from what is not there.</b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">Boom. It is not my worth, my capacity, my ability that's improved upon by communicating with God. He created me as he created me. He gave me life and a brain and ability. He gave me worth. It truly is innate, no matter what I do with my life. It is my <i>usefulness</i> that improves when I communicate with God.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">Back to the maze. Rather than prayer being a map, it's like I'm talking to someone who's in a helicopter hovering above the maze (here in Utah we have these massive corn mazes every fall. The year after Larry Miller died, the entire maze was like, an acre that from above looked like Larry's face). So God's up above this massive maze. And he's got a walkie-talkie. And he gave me one. And I can turn it on if I want; I was taught how. Since God can see the whole maze, he can tell me where to go yes. How to quickly get out of the maze; point A to point B. <b>But </b>He can also tell me "Hey, Jillian, over to your left a few corn rows, there is a little kid who fell and scraped his knee. And you have a band-aid with you. He needs it. Go give the little kid a band-aid."</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">God equipped me. He sent me here, he gave me this stage, this maze (that may or may not look like Larry Miller). Sent me in and I have on me what I have on me. What I brought with me. I'm not alone here either; there's plenty of people who are walking the maze too. Who I can help. God wants me to make it out of the maze--not like a lemming, but as someone who <i>was here. </i>Who participated in the lives of the other people in the maze. Since he's above it all, he can see it all. He can see who has the band-aid (in this case it was me), and who has the water bottle when mine runs out, and who needs a lift cause they twisted they're ankle, and who we will make us laugh while we're walking, and when we need to part ways because the band-aids are needed over here and the water's needed over here. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white;">If I want to be useful to God, I pray. He made me capable. He made me intelligent. He gave me a body that can interact with the world. I'm already capable. That's not a question and God knows it. The question is if I'm going to be useful to Him. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">That's something I've learned. Our capacity isn't in question. Our usefulness is. I truly, deeply believe and resonate with that. It is true.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">And P.S., I reserve the right to change my mind later if I want. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">XOXO</span></div>
Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-21885622658924025582018-01-10T12:28:00.003-07:002018-01-10T12:28:28.285-07:00some revised bucket list items<br />
<ul>
<li>be photographed by Brandon Stanton aka the Humans of New York guy aka my inspiration in life</li>
<li>see the northern lights</li>
<li>catch a home run ball</li>
<li>learn to surf</li>
<li>bunjee jump over a river (because I honestly don't think I could do it over hard ground)</li>
<li>kayak with dolphins</li>
<li>be interviewed by Rebecca Jarvis on No Limits</li>
<li>write and publish a book I am proud of</li>
</ul>
Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-17604338593274294092017-08-02T12:23:00.001-06:002017-08-02T12:23:53.241-06:00journalistTalking with myself and my mother recently, I discovered what I want the most out of life. When I feel fulfilled vs when I feel empty and dissatisfied come from the same thing; the same word:<div>
Community.</div>
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I love community. I love having a community and feeling secure in the community.</div>
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I want to start creating communities. In the past I waited to be invited in a community; I waited to enter a community that I didn't have responsibility to create. </div>
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I'll feel most fulfilled when I'm creating a community and participating in a community.</div>
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This brings me to what I want. What I want to start working on so it doesn't go away, because I had a dream that felt this good before and I let it go away. I don't want it anymore.</div>
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I want to be a journalist. I want to be a journalist without necessarily going back to journalism school. I want to interview inspiring women, podcast release, and write on a blog. This blog? I don't know. Probably not. I'll want to buy a website, purchase a domain. I'll do an Instagram like humans of NY. </div>
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I think my issue before was I listed a bunch of topics I wanted to write about. When really, it's women and people that I want to write about. I love people. I think they're fascinating. I think they're the reason we exist - to help and be helped by other people. Life is beautiful. I want to live it AND interview other people about it. </div>
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The first things I want to be doing to work toward this goal :</div>
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<ul>
<li>develop listening skills</li>
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<li>reflective listening</li>
<li>focus on the person's words, not my response </li>
</ul>
<li>network with a few people</li>
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I feel like I'd also like to work toward writing my own experience. Interviewing myself. How funny, that's an idea! Maybe I'll interview myself on my podcast now and then.</div>
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Brand. Branding. Personal and space branding.</div>
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The other thing- I don't want to speak negatively about others. What Susie Says of Sally says more of Susie than of Sally. One of my favorite quotes. And truth.</div>
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Work on self love, confidence, and compassion. All of this feels good. </div>
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Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-19238161285397936002017-07-06T21:02:00.000-06:002017-07-06T21:02:57.216-06:00two babies later18 months... that's long enough for someone to have 2 babies. (I haven't done that, by the way, no cigar).<br />
I want to start something; a business? A podcast? Both? I think I want to be a journalist. I don't want to go back to school, but I want to write and I want to get stories and I want to connect with people.<br />
List of Podcasts I'm listening to:<br />
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<ul>
<li>No Limits With Rebecca Jarvis: My favorite one. She is a broadcast journalist interviewing women "at the top of their game". She interviews so well, she asks amazing questions, and the stories are digestible and easy to relate to.</li>
<li>Munchin with Moguls: a local pocasts interviewing "moguls" which turns out to be women with large instagram followings. It's very interesting and compelling because it is dripping in the culture I am immersed in. I've contacted her to ask if I can help her work on the podcast</li>
<li>30 for 30 by ESPN: I love sports, I love sports stories. There is emotion and struggle and victory and defeat and there's always a winner and a loser in a world that doesn't always give me that in clear terms. </li>
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Those 3 are my tops right now (and to be honest, haven't listened to 30 for 30, but it trust it enough to recommend it anyway). </div>
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Watching Utah Jazz Summer League, gotta jet.</div>
Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-34479271979948338122016-01-04T00:57:00.005-07:002016-01-04T00:57:53.952-07:00its 12:32I do this sometimes...<br />
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I stay up too late because I'm feeling motivated and creative. It all started, if I remember correctly, years ago when I realized that writing was my passion. I knew it was my passion because I would sacrifice sleep - <i>sleep</i> the most important thing to me - to write. It was like my creative juices just started flowing at 10:00 pm and didn't stop until 2 or 3 in the morning. I would write and write and write and then go back and read in a matter of minutes what had just taken me an hour to get out on paper. The middle knuckle of my right hand smeared with blue or black ink.<br />
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I talked to some wonderful, supportive, kind girls tonight about passion. And my what our jobs do for us and what a difference they make, and <i>why</i> I absolutely can't get up in the morning. My mother told me I was depressed, and that if I didn't feel better by this week, she was making me go back to he doctor and tell him I was feeling so crummy. But, the thing is I've been depressed before - within the last year actually - and this feels very different. Anyway, Tessa, one of those kind supportive girls, said in response to my tired question "It sounds like you just have nothing to look forward to. Nothing getting you out of bed in the morning." A mallet struck a gong in my head at those words. And I turned to JaNae and said " I really need to start working on my project."<br />
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I'm here to report for duty on this project. It's the first week of the new year, 2016, and if I start off right it will be easier to stay right. (Oh the train just whistled. I hope with all my heart that I always live close enough to a train to hear that sound. Heavenly) My project is very similar to (and obviously inspired by) Humans of New York. Gosh this is fascinating: <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brandon-stanton/humans-of-new-york-behind_b_3210673.html" target="_blank">Humans of New York Story</a>. Check that out stat. Anyway, the short version is that Brandon Stanton moved to NYC in 2010 because he wanted to take photographs of 10,000 people and plot those pictures on a map of the city. His blog became wildly popular because he managed to capture exactly what people want to see in other people: commonality, humanity, relationship. And it's truly fascinating.<br />
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Take that. Add to it my enchantment with people of my grandparents generation and before. With their wisdom, their stories, their unique lives- how they are so different from my life and so identical in the same breath. And finally, splash in the utter heartbreak I feel when I see older people alone and struggling, and voila! My project is born.<br />
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I'm going to visit retirement communities and talk with the people there. Interview them about their lives. And post a picture with a small snippet of the story on my instagram. Then link it to my blog here - hellooooo! - with a larger more developed story. Either in interview style or in a narrative.<br />
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And that I am passionate about. It's been difficult for me, since my mission, to marry my love of writing (which is an incredibly solitary task of necessity) with my love and adoration of interacting with people (which I had in spades in my youth and then lost with the loudest and ugliest bang you've ever heard somewhere in my early teens. Another story for another time... )<br />
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Gosh it feels good to write. It does. And to read. Why do I love it so much? A question, again, for another time. Tonight I am watching the clock tick and thinking about work tomorrow and how I have vowed to be there earlier even though that work - work I am grateful for and work that pays the bills- does decidedly not get me out of bed. I am thinking about the inspiring people there are and feeling grateful for them. I am happy.<br />
<br />Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-26037285421809839112015-09-24T15:42:00.001-06:002015-09-24T15:42:07.957-06:00homeOnce upon a time, five years ago now, I was living with 3 of my best friends in a little apartment. One of my friends has the most crazy sense of discipline I've ever seen in anyone. She succeeds at whatever she does because of it; at least partly because of it. This friend of mine would go swimming a few times a week in the a.m. I love the water. I love the feeling of being in the water, being by the water, touching water, drinking water, you name it. But I hadn't actually tried to swim a lap in <i>years</i>. Probably not since my mom had put me in swim lessons as a kid. I didn't know if I was doing it right, and (classic me) since I wasn't sure if I'd look stupid, I chose not to try.<div>
But for some reason, I decided to start going with my friend to the pool. We'd crawl out of bed in the pitch blackness that was winter mornings in Utah and be at the pool at 6 am. This was pre-LASIK surgery so I wouldn't wear my contacts and just focus on the blurry blue line on the bottom of the pool. We'd swim for the free-swim hour and then go home, I'd shower and be at work by 8:00 am. I'd drink a shake on my walk to work. And then we'd do it all again the next day, or two days later.</div>
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I remember one day, walking to or from school, at a spot I could take you to right now, and feeling this incredible feeling that I had never felt before. A feeling I've been chasing ever since. I felt completely connected to my body. My body felt like the home and house for my spirit and they felt so in sync and in harmony. I felt so good.</div>
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So I've been thinking about how my body is my home. And how you can feel at home in your body, "no more a stranger nor a guest but like a child at home" where ever you go. Whatever situation you're in, you can have total home field advantage if your mind and body are connected. If you're one with yourself.</div>
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So that's my goal. That's my goal, one of my million trillion goals right now. But that's an important one because it fuels several of my other goals. I want to feel connected to my body I want all of me to be working together, not competing like separate beings. My body clashing with my mind, my physical limitations clashing with my goals. I want to be grounded. I read an article about the root chakra. And that seems to be what is imbalanced for me. </div>
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Maybe I've been looking for error in the wrong places. I've always tried and tried to be more confident. But maybe there's a deeper cause to what I'm lacking. Maybe it's deeper. </div>
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I wish that I could just ask and get the answer here. But that's not life, that's not at all how we learn. We learn little by little by little. And I'm willing to learn.</div>
Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-65967263455547975902015-09-15T23:23:00.001-06:002015-09-15T23:23:10.051-06:00being put togetherSeriously cannot tell you how many times in the past few months (orrrr the past 24 hours) that I've said to someone "Seriously, my life is out of control." It's true. I have been outta whack and I'm still working on getting "in whack". But I think I've had a breakthrough this week. I need to give all credit to God for this one, because He has been the difference. It's been a blessing, plain and simple. And I'm incredibly grateful for that. I'm grateful for the people that are in my life - all of them are such incredible individuals. That's my #1 that I'm grateful for - people. I need people so much, I am realizing more and more. People and relationships are what it's all about. I'm growing this year learning about that.<br />
BUT as the title of this post says, I want to focus on making a list tonight: a list of what I believe makes people "put together".<br />
Seriously brainstorming this as we go:<br />
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<ol>
<li>Cooking meals - especially breakfast. </li>
<li>Having a bedtime</li>
<li>Taking good care of yourself - looking dece when you go outside.</li>
<li>Exercising regularly</li>
<li>Being able to roll with the punches of life, and relationships, and everything.</li>
<li>Looking outward daily</li>
<li>Improving relationships daily</li>
</ol>
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So that's a few. I don't know why I wanted to make this list really. Other than my life has been out of control lately and that is something I'd like to stop.</div>
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I'm doing good. I'm doing better. I cooked for the past 2 days! (hallelujah hands!) My mind is getting healthier I think. Things are cooling down and looking better</div>
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Night.</div>
Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-1416184628563814992015-09-09T11:40:00.002-06:002015-09-09T11:40:58.288-06:00mantrasSo, mantra's have a bad wrap. Like, if you have a mantra or you say a mantra, you're a weirdo who needs to talk themselves down off a ledge every day. At least that's what it's like in my mind.<br />
Yesterday, as I was perusing soc-med (totes abbrevs right now) I saw this post about mantras:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQmDPxHR24iovppsptp5-c77PwX5E9BSeAYh5gd4fKxIwpytKsNpQXM3VPrrngwL5Ob1uDwIBDcvGBdaBaRgI3k3zpwyB_ARYZpTfF8dS2hyI2nGE2VE4b4ava-_dy69UX-MNi2bF6Jy95/s1600/capturehough.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQmDPxHR24iovppsptp5-c77PwX5E9BSeAYh5gd4fKxIwpytKsNpQXM3VPrrngwL5Ob1uDwIBDcvGBdaBaRgI3k3zpwyB_ARYZpTfF8dS2hyI2nGE2VE4b4ava-_dy69UX-MNi2bF6Jy95/s320/capturehough.PNG" width="191" /></a></div>
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I have been thinking about this since last night. The world is pretty toxic. There's so much good in the world, but I also believe there is so much crap. And our minds are bombarded every day with what we're not based on what other people are, or what we should be, or what we could have been. It takes a toll on your mind, which takes a toll on your attitude, which takes a toll on your actions. Cyclical, right? </div>
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So, why not inject your mind with good things on purpose? Why not take care of yourself and the way that you think? I read a book once that asked "Why do we spend so much time teaching kids </div>
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math, and writing, and reading and so little time teaching them how to think?" TRUTH. </div>
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Remember in <i>The Help</i> when Aibileen asked Mae Mobley for the last time:</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">“Baby Girl,” I say. “I need you to remember everything I told you. Do you remember what I told you?” ...</span></blockquote>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">I look deep into her rich brown eyes and she look into mine. Law, she got old-soul eyes, like she done lived a thousand years. And I swear I see, down inside, the woman she gone grow up to be. A flash from the future. She is tall and straight. She is proud. She got a better haircut. And she is remembering the words I put in her head. Remembering as a full grown woman. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">And then she say it, just like I need her to. “You is kind,” she say, “you is smart. You is important.”</span></blockquote>
That's a mantra, my friends. And it's one of the most beautiful gifts I've ever heard of. Aibileen was teaching Baby Girl how to <i>think.</i> She was giving her something positive to fill her head with because there was going to be so much going against her. Aibileen knew about how toxic the world and it's million voices were.<br />
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My mantra:</div>
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I AM affection</div>
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I AM confidence</div>
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I AM creativity</div>
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I AM active</div>
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I AM connected</div>
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Being vulnerable is so hard for me. Like, so <i>so</i> hard for me. But there it is, inter-webs. There are the things I want to be the most. </div>
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What's your mantra? </div>
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XOXO</div>
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<br />Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-87896316772630510102015-07-16T15:02:00.000-06:002015-07-18T10:42:19.575-06:00settling <span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm gonna go full mormon on you and start with a definition:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">settle: <i>verb</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;">resolve or reach an agreement about (an argument or problem)</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;">adopt a more steady or secure style of life, especially in a permanent job and home</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;">sit or come to rest in a comfortable position.</span></span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;"><br /></span>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;">So I mean, should I do that? None of those things seem bad. Resolve. Agree. Steady. Secure. Sit. Rest. Comfortable.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;">I hear two sides to this settling argument. "Never settle!" and "Don't be too picky!" I've always preferred the former. Because I think we're all worth every good thing we want. We don't always ask for that, is the problem. We can have all the good things we want. But sometimes we don't do the things that will make them happen.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;">Ugh, all of this philosophical shiz. It drives me crazy sometimes. Sometimes I want cold cut facts and actions. And all I have in my mind is walking in a circle philosophical garbage. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;">I talked to my friend last night about possibilities. And creating new possibilities for yourself. And acting in a new way. All of this is familiar. There is nothing new to me, really. Nothing is new. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;">Anyway, back to the topic at hand. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;">I see all these people. Living happy. Married. With Kids.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;">No secret, that's the life I'm wanting right now. That's the life I'm ready for. But all the guys who want to give me that life, or give me a start to that life, I don't want. But should I? I'm sure we'd be happy. I'm sure we'd be fine. I'm sure I'd even say later "I'm so grateful I didn't wait. I'm so grateful for this man." But here's the thing. Right now I know what I want. I know what not settling would look and feel like. And all the other things, they're settling. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;">I guess I need to figure out if I want to settle and have the life I want, or if I want to hold out and have an unknown future and hopefully someday have the life I want. I guess that's the choice? Is it?</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif-light, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 15.6000003814697px;">Okay, guys. What do you think? If anyone out in the world wide webs reads this rant and has any advice for me, I'm all ears. </span></span>Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-870366408571349922015-06-08T15:40:00.000-06:002015-06-08T15:40:01.491-06:00fastingFasting. Going without food or water for a period of time. If you're Ghandi, or you're religious, or you're doing some kind of a cleanse, you might have fasted before. <div>
Yesterday, I fasted. I fasted for healing and for happiness. Fasting without a purpose is, to me, the stupidest thing in the world. But fasting with a purpose - whoa. It changes things. It changes you. </div>
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I started my fast yesterday with a prayer, to God. I asked Him for help with specific things that are cracking my heart and bending my spine, and then I asked Him to bless me to be happy yesterday. I said something like "Will you please just bless me to be happy today?" Sometimes you just need happy. I needed it yesterday.</div>
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People wonder if God loves them, or is aware of them, if He exists. I have wondered these things before; each of them. Yesterday I knew that God exists, loves me, and is aware of my life. Sometime between 8:30 and 10:30 I remember having the distinct thought "I'm happy. I asked Him to bless me with happiness and He did." </div>
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Fasting is clarity to me. I remember when I was a missionary fasting one Sunday in Kingwood, Texas. I felt clarity like I'd never felt it before. I don't remember what I was fasting for, I doubt it was "clarity" exactly, but I felt it in every part of me. </div>
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Sometimes, rationally, fasting doesn't make sense to me. Like, I'm not going to eat or drink and pray about my problems for a whole day, and you're going to turn around and make something manifest in my life that is unrelated to food and water? It doesn't seem to correlate. Does that make sense? That's when I remember that spiritual things always make sense. And someday I believe with all my heart I'll get it. Faith. That's faith. Trusting when it's dark. Trusting because other things have been dark, and then suddenly they weren't. Trusting that can happen again. </div>
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Something I learned in the last day or so. You will survive. You will live through this thing that you thought would completely destroy you. You can still function and be hurting. You can still get up every day and be broken all day long. You can still wake up and get out of bed. You can survive pain. Pain doesn't destroy you. You can live through it. I don't know how often I have faced that kind of pain in my life, really faced it and allowed it to run it's course. Not "fixed" it because in this case I can't. </div>
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So yesterday I was really happy at some point. And then I woke up this morning (why are mornings so hard? They are) and it was hurting again. And I almost gave in to it. I've given in to it for days and days previously. But this time I didn't. This time I came in to work. And I finished some projects and started others. This happens to be one of my projects for work. It's a writing exercise. Anyway, I am not giving in. I'm still here. This still hurts. But it honesty doesn't hurt as bad. And I feel hope again. That's another post for another time, but I'm starting to think that hope is necessary for happiness. Hope is what keeps us in the ring, keeps us swinging when our eyes are both swollen shut from being pummeled by life.</div>
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Easy times are coming. I have faith in that. I'm grateful for that hope. I'm grateful for the people that God gives to us. I'm grateful for fasting. Try it, if you want. Try fasting with a purpose. And watch how the Lord gives you what He can. He will give you everything that He can. He will because He loves you, he is aware of you, and He exists. </div>
Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-46596009562323517882015-02-19T14:25:00.001-07:002015-02-19T14:25:37.422-07:00just hi<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10403319_10205144562747611_3883330799401848848_n.jpg?oh=c75155525aa07303300e6f480e667bc6&oe=555A3B76&__gda__=1435010595_2731df4f6135dc602cf680c188bfd9a5" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10403319_10205144562747611_3883330799401848848_n.jpg?oh=c75155525aa07303300e6f480e667bc6&oe=555A3B76&__gda__=1435010595_2731df4f6135dc602cf680c188bfd9a5" width="240" /></a></div>
cali was amazing, just what i needed. got me thinking, got me relaxing and got me into the warm sun. consider yourself soaked, babe.Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-58350231908278765912015-01-16T17:30:00.000-07:002015-01-16T17:31:29.017-07:00hobbiesWhere does that term even come from, 'hobbies'? I'm gonna google it... here we go! from etymology online :<br />
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<dt class="highlight" style="background-color: #ddd9ca; font-family: Georgia, Garamond, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px 0.5em;"><a href="http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=hobby&allowed_in_frame=0" style="color: #800020; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">hobby (n.)</a> <a class="dictionary" href="http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=hobby" style="color: #800020; font-size: xx-small; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; margin-left: 1em; text-decoration: none;" title="Look up hobby at Dictionary.com"><img alt="Look up hobby at Dictionary.com" src="http://www.etymonline.com/graphics/dictionary.gif" height="16" style="border: 0px; vertical-align: middle;" title="Look up hobby at Dictionary.com" width="16" /></a></dt>
<dd class="highlight" style="background-color: #ddd9ca; font-family: Georgia, Garamond, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px 0.5em 0.5em;">late 13c., <span class="foreign" style="font-style: italic;">hobyn</span>, "small horse, pony," later "mock horse used in the morris dance," and c.1550 "child's toy riding horse," which led to <span class="foreign" style="font-style: italic;">hobby-horse</span> in a transferred sense of "favorite pastime or avocation," first recorded 1670s, shortened to <span class="foreign" style="font-style: italic;">hobby</span> by 1816. The connecting notion being "activity that doesn't go anywhere." Probably originally a proper name for a horse (see <span class="foreign" style="font-style: italic;">dobbin</span>), a diminutive of <span class="foreign" style="font-style: italic;">Robert</span> or <span class="foreign" style="font-style: italic;">Robin</span>. The original <span class="foreign" style="font-style: italic;">hobbyhorse</span> was a "Tourney Horse," a wooden or basketwork frame worn around the waist and held on with shoulder straps, with a fake tail and horse head attached, so the wearer appears to be riding a horse. These were part of church and civic celebrations at Midsummer and New Year's throughout England.</dd><dd class="highlight" style="background-color: #ddd9ca; font-family: Georgia, Garamond, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px 0.5em 0.5em;"><br /></dd><dd class="highlight" style="font-family: Georgia, Garamond, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 16px; margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px 0.5em 0.5em;"><br /></dd><dd class="highlight" style="margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px 0.5em 0.5em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Anyway, this girl is a college grad - as I mentioned. It feels really good. I'm telling everyone that because they are asking me and it's the truth. No more homework does not suck. <i>But</i> this is an adjustment, people. Since I was 5 years old I have been in school. And now, suddenly, I'm just not. And my new job lacks the structure that was automatic in school. So blah blah blah, yada yada yada, I'm floating around a little bit. I've been thinking about hobbies a lot. I mean, I seriously hate when people ask me (you know on a first date or something) "what do you like to do in your spare time?" cause the answer always used to be "and what spare time would this be?" because, let's be real, I had very little. Little enough that I spent it on the couch or eating out with my friends or joy riding to Utah Lake (that was <i>the</i> activity of last summer). And so, now that excuse is <i>poof</i> - gone!</span></dd><dd class="highlight" style="margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px 0.5em 0.5em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></dd><dd class="highlight" style="margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px 0.5em 0.5em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So what am I going to say when all of these eligible bachelor's ask me what I do for fun?</span></dd><dd class="highlight" style="margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px 0.5em 0.5em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Well here goes:</span></dd><dd class="highlight" style="margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px 0.5em 0.5em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">1) Singing. I have always loved singing. There are videos of me, having flooded the bathroom floor, singing "Sing Sweet Nightingale" from Cinderella (except I only knew those words so it just was a lot of repetition). But I have lost my skill for the most part. And I love it. So I'm going to find a way to get better, find a motivating end goal (like perform at open mic night at the velour maybe?) and do it.</span></dd><dd class="highlight" style="margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px 0.5em 0.5em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></dd><dd class="highlight" style="margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px 0.5em 0.5em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">2) cooking. This is just <i>not</i> going to happen unless I make it a goal. It's absolutely not. I don't love eating and I pretty much hate cooking. This is party due to the fact that I feel like my kitchen is kind of gross, but I'm just going to need to deal with that. </span></dd><dd class="highlight" style="margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px 0.5em 0.5em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></dd><dd class="highlight" style="margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px 0.5em 0.5em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So there are my two starts. Not quite riding a pony but it's something. Adios for now.</span></dd>Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-12752470529632568772015-01-07T12:38:00.002-07:002015-01-07T12:45:41.123-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTe9_dybosHjtlUpFa7kkCaEu06W5UQWwAZ6WCgGATmO3fP-xhyphenhyphenvDaidm5Ax7Rc7XFdLfC0JM-yUQPI5T7buxO3cZjNIB-p43aFDAvaHzfUZWhX_ZsK4r0O9YIINoynwnhdgSLqJiuI6gY/s1600/signature.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTe9_dybosHjtlUpFa7kkCaEu06W5UQWwAZ6WCgGATmO3fP-xhyphenhyphenvDaidm5Ax7Rc7XFdLfC0JM-yUQPI5T7buxO3cZjNIB-p43aFDAvaHzfUZWhX_ZsK4r0O9YIINoynwnhdgSLqJiuI6gY/s1600/signature.png" /></a></div>
<br />
So that's my email signature. MINE. Because I have a job and I work and I love it. I miss school, but I love this job. LOOOVE this job. The holidays were relaxing and perfect and just what I needed. And I'm ready to get started on this year. I'm sick of saying, like I did in the last post, that surely this is my year. Surely this is <i>the</i> year. Because... I'm just sick of it. But this year is going to be something. I'll be around here a little more I think. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out how to put that e-mail signature on my new e-mail account.... hence the blog post. I needed to make it public property or something. But then I decided to write that<br />
This is a year. It is a year like last year - and unlike it in every way. And that feels better than this is going to be blah blah blah the best year of my life when all my dreams come true.<br />
The word this year is [give]. I'm trying to do that. Adios.Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-18935346499779650912014-12-09T00:21:00.002-07:002014-12-09T00:21:13.591-07:00What a day and no snow Well hey. I had a pretty bad day today, even threw a temper tantrum (neat, I am 3 years old) ans have been dizzy all day. But I also had a great long talk with kimmy lane and have read quite a few very uplifting blog posts. I realized that I don't have the deep thoughts I used to have as a missionary any more, and I think I can if I just allow myself more time for focus, less time for distractions of social media (bleh). <div>
I don't think very much any more about the plan I know God has for me. The plan that I know he made for everyone. "God did not put you on this earth to fail but to succeed gloriously". I don't think about the plan of salvation, that includes everyone. Me, too. I definitely don't think about those around me very often, I have become so concerned with myself. </div>
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I don't want to write down a bunch of goals, resolutions, or intentions. Frankly my journal is full of lists upon lists of those. Each one of them as empty feeling as the last. I just want to write. I don't do it very often cause I'm afraid that someone will read this, someone I don't want to, and I'll be exposed- embarrassed. I want to write because I want something brilliant to come out, something inspiring. Honey, to write inspiring things you need to think inspiring thoughts. You want to.</div>
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I'm coming up on my last week of college - maybe ever. And I'm just feeling the stress of it all. I'm facing another holiday season completely single and let me tell you, the comments from friends and family are getting verrrrryy old spinster-y. Which is awesome. And I'm facing the end of a year I thought would change everything- and it didn't. I'm facing another list of New Years resolutions that I fully intend to keep. Another chest teeming with hope that this year will be different- it will be the magic year that I finally become who I want to be. </div>
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And everything is uncertain. All I really know is I raged at heaven today. And yet I still feel love from heaven. I still feel an outpouring of good and Godly love from a Father that I haven't wanted to talk to lately. I still feel that. "Unworthy" as I am, I still feel worthy of that. And if I'm worthy of that, maybe there's hope that won't cripple me after all. Hope has been so painful lately. And especially today, I specifically told God that I didn't want to ask for anything from Him because I was tired of being disappointed. But hope is hard to kill, right Mariah Carey? Though hope is frail it's hard to kill. I want my mind to be how it was when I had beautiful thoughts. </div>
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Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-10414483671944407862014-07-06T00:02:00.002-06:002014-07-06T00:02:58.513-06:00life latelytonight i wrote a bucket list. want to see it? <div>
<ol>
<li>swim with sharks</li>
<li>bungee jump over a river</li>
<li>ride an overnight train</li>
<li>learn to surf</li>
<li>write a book</li>
<li>become a good cook</li>
<li>take my kids to Disneyland</li>
<li>visit every continent</li>
<li>watch fireworks from a kayak</li>
<li>make out in a library</li>
</ol>
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that's a good start, right?</div>
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my life has been so off kilter lately. I have left my keys at home and been locked out not once, not twice, but three different times in the past 3 weeks. I have let myself spiral into competitive mode and started keeping score with my life. I have lost desire to have goals. </div>
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funny as it sounds, the last time I locked myself out (I was on my way to Mikelle's "last" wedding dress fitting - I say "last" because I swear every time they say that it's like "It's gonna be six weeks and $10,000" am I right tom hanks?) I was so frustrated with myself. It was over 90 degrees and windy and it all hit me. How unorganized my life has been, how unfocused.</div>
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That was actually a good moment. I am really excited for the now again, and for the future. </div>
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I've missed blogging, I've missed writing terribly - like someone cut off my leg or something. I just have missed it, but it's so busy right now. </div>
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or is it? or have i been making it too busy?</div>
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i'm working out again. week 1 of the BBG, let's goooo!</div>
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The Crawfords are home, so now they can come to my wedding. I can't wait for that.</div>
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But seriously, with Mikelle getting married, I'm realizing that it is so time. And I hope that everyone is in agreement with that realization.</div>
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Rambling.</div>
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Sometimes I listen to Drew Tretick and feel grateful for beauty in the world. And my home. And my country. </div>
Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-74403331744398057782014-05-06T11:27:00.001-06:002014-05-06T11:27:28.422-06:00the smallest biti was obviously very hurt yesterday. just take everything i said and tone it down a notch. I still feel all of those ways, but I'm not as emotional.<br />
But I still feel all of those things. The pain and the gratitude<br />
just wanted to update.Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-47480806830607808112014-05-05T11:45:00.002-06:002014-05-05T11:45:20.951-06:00the gift of pain.Here's a quote that I've loved for a long time, but has recently been brought to my mind:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-size: large;">Now God, who knows our happiness lies in Him, when we are content without God (or with God kept in second
place), may, out of love,<br /> give us the gift of pain—not to punish us, but to draw us to
himself and keep us from even<br /> greater suffering in the future. </span></blockquote>
This is based on a C.S. Lewis quote and I have been drawn to it for the past few days. Because people are not perfect. And I don't care who you are, you are going to be hurt by the closest people in your life. You're not going to deserve it, you're not going to understand it, and you're not going to feel great about it.You're going to hurt about it, because you let someone else in. You trusted someone and they betrayed you. Another quote I love <b>"The hardest part of betrayal is that is never comes from your enemies" </b>Nope, you are betrayed by those who should be your closest supporters. And how do you deal with this?<br />
For me, I have been praying to know what the Lord wants me to do in my life. And I've specifically been like "Lord, I can take it. Even if it's a whammy I can take it" And then my friend hurt me pretty bad this week. I don't agree even a little with what they said, and I don't think that they, being my friend, should ever even think or believe such things about me. I, like I said, don't deserve that. No body does. I don't think what my friend said to me is the answer to my prayer. After thinking and praying about this situation, I believe that the answer to my prayer is that the Lord wants me to turn to him. He didn't cause my friend to say such a horrible thing to me, and he doesn't want me in pain, but he does allow me to feel this pain because he wants to be drawn to Him.<br />
I seem to forget Him pretty often when things are good. When I am blessed. And He knows that I need Him, and in the days ahead I'm really going to need Him.<br />
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So, this gift of pain. It is not to hear hurtful things that stab me square between the shoulder blades. This gift of pain comes from understanding that my trust should never have been anywhere but the Lord. The only one who won't hurt you and disappoint you. And this gift of pain teaches me that.<br />
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I'm honestly, obviously, astonished by what happened this week. I thought I could trust this friend. And maybe I still can. But right now, I'm shocked and "Et tu, Brutus?"-ing.<br />
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But if I know anything, it's that someday I'll be better becuase of this pain. If for no other reason, than the most important one: I'll be closer to my Savior.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">"<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, 'Trebuchet MS';">Bring to him your troubled heart</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, 'Trebuchet MS';">Lay your cares before him</span><br style="font-family: Arial, 'Trebuchet MS';" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, 'Trebuchet MS';">He has suffered every pain</span><br style="font-family: Arial, 'Trebuchet MS';" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, 'Trebuchet MS';">Blessed be His name"</span></span><br style="font-family: Arial, 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 12px;" /><br style="font-family: Arial, 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 12px;" /><span style="font-family: Arial, 'Trebuchet MS'; font-size: 12px;">Read more at <a href="http://www.lyrics.com/blessed-be-his-name-lyrics-jenny-phillips.html#6ECYV10SPub82Ff6.99" style="color: #003399; text-decoration: none;">http://www.lyrics.com/blessed-be-his-name-lyrics-jenny-phillips.html#6ECYV10SPub82Ff6.99</a></span><div class="MsoNormal">
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Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-12552397541855514322014-04-12T14:41:00.002-06:002014-04-12T14:46:05.111-06:00happy birthday, glory hallelujah!<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Guys. For my birthday I'm getting</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_xX12DebGfJfJo4Y__lHc0K-R2kkesV99DsoIkmBXu_5-Zjn2Pyh_vHBniSv8PImQUDapNrUpkflvggKWGo_b4cob3sWksyHloaKfnLxJSgxbUH6qBbEYvTNI-mU24bH_22aA9LcQhU-C/s1600/picture017.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_xX12DebGfJfJo4Y__lHc0K-R2kkesV99DsoIkmBXu_5-Zjn2Pyh_vHBniSv8PImQUDapNrUpkflvggKWGo_b4cob3sWksyHloaKfnLxJSgxbUH6qBbEYvTNI-mU24bH_22aA9LcQhU-C/s1600/picture017.jpg" height="352" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">NEW EYES. As in LASIK. As in, Glory hallelujah I was blind but now I see!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am so excited. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(By the way, this is a picture from my computer, so the quality is suck-o but it IS still #nofilterchallenge worthy.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, what's the best birthday present you've ever gotten?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">[Ima post later about the killer surprise party I got thrown. My sweetie friends are the best... and maybe the gutsy borderline stalker thing I did this morning. It was pretty bold... why don't I wait and see how it turns out before I tell you? ]</span></div>
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<br />Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-24827834261741066242014-03-31T17:05:00.000-06:002014-03-31T17:05:06.148-06:00no filter challenge<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/a8/7e/13/a87e1347e870492c6a5a32dbc0033930.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/a8/7e/13/a87e1347e870492c6a5a32dbc0033930.jpg" height="289" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, I don't think filters are inherently bad. I've done a filter on basically every instagram ever. We all know we look a little better with some "Lo-Fi" action going on, mmkay?But I am going to try this: the no filter challenge.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Why do we have to "touch up" our lives (metaphorically speaking)? Why don't we feel like the raw details cut it, why aren't they enough? Change this little thing and maybe we'll start to feel better about toxic social media. maybe I will.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, for my very first #nofilterchallenge here's a picture from california. Perfect lighting was magically present for the first time in my life in these pictures.... So sue me, I'm not that brave yet haha.</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivtFG2slK67XiOKjdPzaRY8FYyKofecDI44dNqqpOfND5JYOowV6tFEgnwaXEiCS3YsLNE12qDNDgFvSgbAxTCxgZN9zJ5j8W1plupET-DjlLFfIbq3t2b3zkn9263ogYn2Se4bnGY3wDh/s1600/IMG_2143.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivtFG2slK67XiOKjdPzaRY8FYyKofecDI44dNqqpOfND5JYOowV6tFEgnwaXEiCS3YsLNE12qDNDgFvSgbAxTCxgZN9zJ5j8W1plupET-DjlLFfIbq3t2b3zkn9263ogYn2Se4bnGY3wDh/s1600/IMG_2143.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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#nofilterchallenge</div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-11254015866284024322014-03-28T09:44:00.004-06:002014-03-28T09:44:35.585-06:00the velveteen rabbit<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/b5/51/16/b55116296ef9319db020e2704fd20548.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/b5/51/16/b55116296ef9319db020e2704fd20548.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to those who don't understand."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Being "Real" has been a goal of mine forever. To be real is to be genuine, to be able to be trusted. What an accomplishment to become Real. Preach, Skin Horse, "it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or who have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept". You've got to be pretty resilient. Becoming Real does hurt sometimes. I mean, we are <i>all</i> trying to figure things out and when unique imperfections collide, the clash can be brutal. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Been thinking about returning to writing for a while now. The other day when I was home for the evening, my mom laid on the couch and I curled up in the over-sized arm chair that Rico recovered and we talked about finding out and accepting who you are. The velveteen rabbit was learning about it almost 100 years before our conversation. This becoming real, that happens bit by bit and sometimes hurts but makes you incapable of ugly..</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> for me I <i>think</i> involves writing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What does it involve for you?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In any case, I'm back. Hi how are you?</span></div>
Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-20040502502913621752013-05-11T10:39:00.004-06:002013-05-11T10:43:00.882-06:00every maymy home ward has "the ward clean up"<br />
now it's a shadow of what it once was, I don't think they even call it "the ward clean up" anymore.<br />
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me and aly would have a sleepover and then wake up early to follow the huge dump truck they rented around the neighborhood. we would throw sticks into it while the men and boys would actually work - throwing huge tree limbs in. we were in <i>love</i> with pretty much every single young man in our ward at some point, so we had a great excuse to spend a saturday morning with them. we'd have breakfast at some point and spend the day outside.</blockquote>
so, like i said, shadow of what it once was. but here's my church... for me that's kind of like saying "here's my childhood". <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz86L_w5V_2nLY-8OXxFux82YVo-dvkeesxIJabqIQYj1BF0q_sgUgKtXeLZa-cTvoAKNuwY_rXC1T2P0LfM1BWMi5i1asVznxedZbUzoIEDsh78yfUOUNqh6LqdD_-gfGBvaQA82jU5Ir/s1600/IMG_0655.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz86L_w5V_2nLY-8OXxFux82YVo-dvkeesxIJabqIQYj1BF0q_sgUgKtXeLZa-cTvoAKNuwY_rXC1T2P0LfM1BWMi5i1asVznxedZbUzoIEDsh78yfUOUNqh6LqdD_-gfGBvaQA82jU5Ir/s640/IMG_0655.JPG" width="480" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpXJqTtKPvC_JnRE5Gs5QALTij-BJ8w1oQgKobPVQaDKJtZ7tL59Hcj5hD5VPCZIBaqPOSJdSVsggUveyZw8jq29WMOZHiL4ujhPIA3voY5s37xeG8s8rRa8AIrxgTK-11geX8K0Bji1Jx/s1600/IMG_0654.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpXJqTtKPvC_JnRE5Gs5QALTij-BJ8w1oQgKobPVQaDKJtZ7tL59Hcj5hD5VPCZIBaqPOSJdSVsggUveyZw8jq29WMOZHiL4ujhPIA3voY5s37xeG8s8rRa8AIrxgTK-11geX8K0Bji1Jx/s320/IMG_0654.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikQ5gsIuKWJlKG2f-yF4L6z-zgGm3hrwD-e7zdI1K_ijEYLmRZpYHM99MdK2Bl8zcySVbLBLx53H_zJdQRnGusqUuD_Px-u-Gl7upIFP799PIKHmbGYYaqF3Is1UqX-4YFPT2dwL8Cju9b/s1600/IMG_0656.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikQ5gsIuKWJlKG2f-yF4L6z-zgGm3hrwD-e7zdI1K_ijEYLmRZpYHM99MdK2Bl8zcySVbLBLx53H_zJdQRnGusqUuD_Px-u-Gl7upIFP799PIKHmbGYYaqF3Is1UqX-4YFPT2dwL8Cju9b/s320/IMG_0656.PNG" width="212" /></a>Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-79684172424564245162013-05-10T21:48:00.001-06:002013-05-10T21:48:31.071-06:00and now...the blog has got a little face lift.<br />
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let's talk.<br />
coming home from my mission has been oh so hard. I've missed it like crazy. I've had the hardest time finding a new purpose. I've had the hardest time adjusting to the fact that everyone else's life moved on while I was away and I wasn't a part of that.<br />
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and winter semester was killer. (I got a bloody 3.59 though! How did that happen??)<br />
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and I've had the hardest time moving on with my life. Decisions that are hard to make- had to make 'em.<br />
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and I'm still alive.<br />
ready to be the new me.<br />
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while I was gone, my brother wrote me a letter (james, such a champion, right?) and told me that when I went on my mission "jillian hicken" as everyone knew her ceased to exist and that I was now "sister hicken". and that was a good thing, not because "jillian hicken" was bad, but because "sister hicken" could be so much more. and that when I would get home, "sister hicken" wouldn't exist any more (the most heart wrenching, excruciating extraction that ever could have been. i reached up and clutched my tag for the entire process and sobbed. me. she-who-has-no-soul. this is another story for another time) and that I would be "jillian hicken" but a different one than I was before. That she could be better than even "sister hicken" was.<br />
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well, as difficult to explain that was, it was twenty times more difficult to actually do.<br />
in fact I'm not done doing it.<br />
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but at last i'm ready to!<br />
* * * *<br />
I had a thought today. It has to be a conscious decision for me. Every day I have to decide to be in love with my life.<br />
It's pretty charmed, but I fall into that heinous trap of comparison. Instead of falling in deep love with my beautiful life.<br />
it's on the top of my "to do" list. :]<br />
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<br />Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-89641692397547646532013-04-09T23:08:00.000-06:002013-04-09T23:08:44.898-06:00decisionsBueno! Here are some upcoming things<br />
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<li>I met with my <span style="font-size: large;">non-profit management</span> minor adviser today. I actually have a career path. I want to work with <span style="font-size: large;">writing grants</span>. I'm really excited. They sort of build an <span style="font-size: large;">internship </span>in with everything. <span style="font-size: large;">Great news</span> because I've been worried about an internship.</li>
<li>I'm going to do a new <span style="font-size: large;">segment </span>on my blog. I'm going to go to Rosie's care facility and <span style="font-size: large;">interview </span>some people. Get their thoughts on life, love, things...</li>
<li>Spring is coming, and I'm <span style="font-size: large;">happy</span>. </li>
<li>I WILL NOT FAIL SCHOOL!</li>
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Those are four things. In my journal, for 18 months, I did "5 things" every night. 5 things I am grateful from today. Sometimes (a notable time that I remember) my "5 things" were 5 words long and one of them was Nyquil. Sometimes being a missionary is tough.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggq6eID7P7vqjsrK42ERHzAM51fBqPYNgyKtgSJPvLqAT_dxcDVe5m8rx__-3aEoRyR99fIKoO3P7cWe35RCCg9_TfHlCAJV3svrIZVqsAB1S664xXXG-S6_L8_8B2IdkOukQeL1_taI1N/s1600/beach.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggq6eID7P7vqjsrK42ERHzAM51fBqPYNgyKtgSJPvLqAT_dxcDVe5m8rx__-3aEoRyR99fIKoO3P7cWe35RCCg9_TfHlCAJV3svrIZVqsAB1S664xXXG-S6_L8_8B2IdkOukQeL1_taI1N/s640/beach.JPG" width="480" /></a></div>
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people need photos to stay interested. Until I get better at planning my blogging... here's a picture </div>
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of my wonderful brothers and I</div>
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at the beach</div>
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in california</div>
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in january.</div>
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Jonny is doing fantastic by the way :]</div>
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Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-33944212644750990862013-03-27T13:43:00.003-06:002013-03-27T13:43:58.527-06:00i wish I had something cool to blog about...I'm trying to decide what career path to take.<br />
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<li>I'm thinking about getting a Non-Profit Minor and then really going for this grant writing business..</li>
<li>I'm also thinking about getting an editing minor</li>
<li>I will never be able to <i>stop</i> thinking about possibly getting a teaching certificate </li>
<li>I think sometimes that I will just move to the woods, connect with nature, and become a ba-zillionaire author.....</li>
<li>I'm also getting a communications minor, so I could go into PR (because I wouldn't want to do anything else in communications)</li>
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So, intense right? Then there is the ever popular</div>
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<li>how about I just finish my degree and go to hair school??</li>
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I'm craving something new right now. You know what I mean? I'm craving something new.</div>
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Once upon a time we all went to Denver.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjHWBk6pf-yQwXUoxlntTwR7eo36keSxvjMJl6AZr6gkWm7Vr-zQv1Kifb40k-OlcGapUaccelNQOBDw8Niu_uqIvMEoqkl-_7eo206EY2_BQRy3g5y2gfFlDLmh1aEcJOFDIHfravKiXR/s1600/IMG_0423.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjHWBk6pf-yQwXUoxlntTwR7eo36keSxvjMJl6AZr6gkWm7Vr-zQv1Kifb40k-OlcGapUaccelNQOBDw8Niu_uqIvMEoqkl-_7eo206EY2_BQRy3g5y2gfFlDLmh1aEcJOFDIHfravKiXR/s320/IMG_0423.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4NY8Quk9G-MgK3x01S_PGwIcKgk7dd1HMQrW3WL4voO4j-p3TgXfI34zt53APSDJuvGaO-WeWT3ivzNxTj1jrxjmfaLP_NfOiyeYzcIZlTSKSw0zIyqnDyAsoZkNuyORqiJEuSektlo8C/s1600/IMG_0431.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4NY8Quk9G-MgK3x01S_PGwIcKgk7dd1HMQrW3WL4voO4j-p3TgXfI34zt53APSDJuvGaO-WeWT3ivzNxTj1jrxjmfaLP_NfOiyeYzcIZlTSKSw0zIyqnDyAsoZkNuyORqiJEuSektlo8C/s400/IMG_0431.JPG" width="300" /></a></div>
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And I had BlueBell again. </div>
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Life was beautiful.</div>
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BUUUUT: you can get it in Provo! I know, I know, this is the best news you have ever heard.</div>
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You get it at this place called "Ikes"</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-w864OqP9AQI/Tt1hqlWkEsI/AAAAAAAABww/Zp2z-muC-Fo/s1600/Ikes+icecream+provo+beach+bar+stools.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-w864OqP9AQI/Tt1hqlWkEsI/AAAAAAAABww/Zp2z-muC-Fo/s1600/Ikes+icecream+provo+beach+bar+stools.JPG" /></a></div>
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whoops gotta go to work! see yall soon.</div>
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ps anyone is welcome to weigh in on my career path options at any moment. i am so conflicted. </div>
Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1207957801403495204.post-61366313263836701082013-03-19T21:47:00.001-06:002013-03-19T21:47:46.845-06:00does everyone...?Does everyone go semi-crazy and get an "oooh-bad-idea"-haircut when they get home from a mission?<br />
..<br />
just me?<br />
Cool.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdF8XcbUANvvG0egT323jemTzmfnjdfSGyFC6G0IEtGT6IFvTubZuHIcjXBMs-FFFnz5iPzTxPJTO3IGkX6BXvIS1wZBwimz_iXvO-cCpnQPG_0IMUAB6HHBfqI2osGccl0ADH9Z-IJzdx/s1600/IMG_0393.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdF8XcbUANvvG0egT323jemTzmfnjdfSGyFC6G0IEtGT6IFvTubZuHIcjXBMs-FFFnz5iPzTxPJTO3IGkX6BXvIS1wZBwimz_iXvO-cCpnQPG_0IMUAB6HHBfqI2osGccl0ADH9Z-IJzdx/s320/IMG_0393.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUi73_cb2dgR1w2v_GnLmTRdASUZa_siSwr1DYvFS9lIaEUP8M3UGO1MjB71k_pAElpWLIsdkTbnjQCnlMtJj6vYKTwr9h9DgfRSW_AslE1DCTZJbwwDMV3v6NzfAxTNOOqP9mDL-TiNZg/s1600/IMG_0412.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUi73_cb2dgR1w2v_GnLmTRdASUZa_siSwr1DYvFS9lIaEUP8M3UGO1MjB71k_pAElpWLIsdkTbnjQCnlMtJj6vYKTwr9h9DgfRSW_AslE1DCTZJbwwDMV3v6NzfAxTNOOqP9mDL-TiNZg/s320/IMG_0412.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
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<br />
So I got a haircut. And it looks cute. I admit this. But I miss my long hair SO badly. And my short hair has finally grown to the point that I like it. But I haven't blow-dried my hair in oh... two to three weeks.<br />
(that's the secret, my people. don't blow dry your hair and it should grow like mad. should.)<br />
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In other news:<br />
Tonight I finished season 2 of this puppy:<br />
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<a href="http://media.nbcbayarea.com/images/654*368/edt-downton-abbey-season2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://media.nbcbayarea.com/images/654*368/edt-downton-abbey-season2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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(Yes I jumped on the Downton Abbey bandwagon. So sue me.)</div>
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and can I just say: FINALLY!! Finally Matthew and Mary! FI.NA.LLY!</div>
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I haven't touched season 3 yet, so all y'all ruiners out there, don't even think about it. I will kill you.</div>
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In other other news:</div>
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Jonny boy is doing well. I'm so proud of him. He's going to be such an amazing leader, and he already is such a great missionary. He just works so hard, I can tell. </div>
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Slightly related I had my 2nd interview at the MTC yesterday. Trippiest thing in the world to be back there. Anyway, they said they'd let me know about the job in a few weeks. Crossies, guys??? Thanks.</div>
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And slightly related to that; sometimes (like yesterday morning times) I miss my mission so much that I can't breathe. </div>
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I'm going to do my own spa night :] Gallon vat of coconut oil, here I come.</div>
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love y'all. I've missed ya.</div>
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-jillian</div>
<br />Jillihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06826462866450588805noreply@blogger.com0