Thursday, September 24, 2015


Once upon a time, five years ago now, I was living with 3 of my best friends in a little apartment. One of my friends has the most crazy sense of discipline I've ever seen in anyone. She succeeds at whatever she does because of it; at least partly because of it. This friend of mine would go swimming a few times a week in the a.m. I love the water. I love the feeling of being in the water, being by the water, touching water, drinking water, you name it. But I hadn't actually tried to swim a lap in years. Probably not since my mom had put me in swim lessons as a kid. I didn't know if I was doing it right, and (classic me) since I wasn't sure if I'd look stupid, I chose not to try.
But for some reason, I decided to start going with my friend to the pool. We'd crawl out of bed in the pitch blackness that was winter mornings in Utah and be at the pool at 6 am. This was pre-LASIK surgery so I wouldn't wear my contacts and just focus on the blurry blue line on the bottom of the pool. We'd swim for the free-swim hour and then go home, I'd shower and be at work by 8:00 am. I'd drink a shake on my walk to work. And then we'd do it all again the next day, or two days later.
I remember one day, walking to or from school, at a spot I could take you to right now, and feeling this incredible feeling that I had never felt before. A feeling I've been chasing ever since. I felt completely connected to my body. My body felt like the home and house for my spirit and they felt so in sync and in harmony. I felt so good.
So I've been thinking about how my body is my home. And how you can feel at home in your body, "no more a stranger nor a guest but like a child at home" where ever you go. Whatever situation you're in, you can have total home field advantage if your mind and body are connected. If you're one with yourself.
So that's my goal. That's my goal, one of my million trillion goals right now. But that's an important one because it fuels several of my other goals. I want to feel connected to my body I want all of me to be working together, not competing like separate beings. My body clashing with my mind, my physical limitations clashing with my goals. I want to be grounded. I read an article about the root chakra. And that seems to be what is imbalanced for me. 
Maybe I've been looking for error in the wrong places. I've always tried and tried to be more confident. But maybe there's a deeper cause to what I'm lacking. Maybe it's deeper. 
I wish that I could just ask and get the answer here. But that's not life, that's not at all how we learn. We learn little by little by little. And I'm willing to learn.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

being put together

Seriously cannot tell you how many times in the past few months (orrrr the past 24 hours) that I've said to someone "Seriously, my life is out of control." It's true. I have been outta whack and I'm still working on getting "in whack". But I think I've had a breakthrough this week. I need to give all credit to God for this one, because He has been the difference. It's been a blessing, plain and simple. And I'm incredibly grateful for that. I'm grateful for the people that are in my life - all of them are such incredible individuals. That's my #1 that I'm grateful for - people. I need people so much, I am realizing more and more. People and relationships are what it's all about. I'm growing this year learning about that.
BUT as the title of this post says, I want to focus on making a list tonight: a list of what I believe makes people "put together".
Seriously brainstorming this as we go:

  1. Cooking meals - especially breakfast. 
  2. Having a bedtime
  3. Taking good care of yourself - looking dece when you go outside.
  4. Exercising regularly
  5. Being able to roll with the punches of life, and relationships, and everything.
  6. Looking outward daily
  7. Improving relationships daily
So that's a few. I don't know why I wanted to make this list really. Other than my life has been out of control lately and that is something I'd like to stop.
I'm doing good. I'm doing better. I cooked for the past 2 days! (hallelujah hands!) My mind is getting healthier I think. Things are cooling down and looking better

Wednesday, September 9, 2015


So, mantra's have a bad wrap. Like, if you have a mantra or you say a mantra, you're a weirdo who needs to talk themselves down off a ledge every day. At least that's what it's like in my mind.
Yesterday, as I was perusing soc-med (totes abbrevs right now) I saw this post about mantras:

I have been thinking about this since last night. The world is pretty toxic. There's so much good in the world, but I also believe there is so much crap. And our minds are bombarded every day with what we're not based on what other people are, or what we should be, or what we could have been. It takes a toll on your mind, which takes a toll on your attitude, which takes a toll on your actions. Cyclical, right? 
So, why not inject your mind with good things on purpose? Why not take care of yourself and the way that you think? I read a book once that asked "Why do we spend so much time teaching kids 
math, and writing, and reading and so little time teaching them how to think?" TRUTH. 
Remember in The Help when Aibileen asked Mae Mobley for the last time:
“Baby Girl,” I say. “I need you to remember everything I told you. Do you remember what I told you?” ...

 I look deep into her rich brown eyes and she look into mine. Law, she got old-soul eyes, like she done lived a thousand years. And I swear I see, down inside, the woman she gone grow up to be. A flash from the future. She is tall and straight. She is proud. She got a better haircut. And she is remembering the words I put in her head. Remembering as a full grown woman. 

And then she say it, just like I need her to. “You is kind,” she say, “you is smart. You is important.”
That's a mantra, my friends. And it's one of the most beautiful gifts I've ever heard of. Aibileen was teaching Baby Girl how to think. She was giving her something positive to fill her head with because there was going to be so much going against her. Aibileen knew about how toxic the world and it's million voices were.

My mantra:
I AM affection
I AM confidence
I AM creativity
I AM active
I AM connected

Being vulnerable is so hard for me. Like, so so hard for me. But there it is, inter-webs. There are the things I want to be the most. 

What's your mantra?