Thursday, September 24, 2015


Once upon a time, five years ago now, I was living with 3 of my best friends in a little apartment. One of my friends has the most crazy sense of discipline I've ever seen in anyone. She succeeds at whatever she does because of it; at least partly because of it. This friend of mine would go swimming a few times a week in the a.m. I love the water. I love the feeling of being in the water, being by the water, touching water, drinking water, you name it. But I hadn't actually tried to swim a lap in years. Probably not since my mom had put me in swim lessons as a kid. I didn't know if I was doing it right, and (classic me) since I wasn't sure if I'd look stupid, I chose not to try.
But for some reason, I decided to start going with my friend to the pool. We'd crawl out of bed in the pitch blackness that was winter mornings in Utah and be at the pool at 6 am. This was pre-LASIK surgery so I wouldn't wear my contacts and just focus on the blurry blue line on the bottom of the pool. We'd swim for the free-swim hour and then go home, I'd shower and be at work by 8:00 am. I'd drink a shake on my walk to work. And then we'd do it all again the next day, or two days later.
I remember one day, walking to or from school, at a spot I could take you to right now, and feeling this incredible feeling that I had never felt before. A feeling I've been chasing ever since. I felt completely connected to my body. My body felt like the home and house for my spirit and they felt so in sync and in harmony. I felt so good.
So I've been thinking about how my body is my home. And how you can feel at home in your body, "no more a stranger nor a guest but like a child at home" where ever you go. Whatever situation you're in, you can have total home field advantage if your mind and body are connected. If you're one with yourself.
So that's my goal. That's my goal, one of my million trillion goals right now. But that's an important one because it fuels several of my other goals. I want to feel connected to my body I want all of me to be working together, not competing like separate beings. My body clashing with my mind, my physical limitations clashing with my goals. I want to be grounded. I read an article about the root chakra. And that seems to be what is imbalanced for me. 
Maybe I've been looking for error in the wrong places. I've always tried and tried to be more confident. But maybe there's a deeper cause to what I'm lacking. Maybe it's deeper. 
I wish that I could just ask and get the answer here. But that's not life, that's not at all how we learn. We learn little by little by little. And I'm willing to learn.

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