home

Once upon a time, five years ago now, I was living with 3 of my best friends in a little apartment. One of my friends has the most crazy sense of discipline I've ever seen in anyone. She succeeds at whatever she does because of it; at least partly because of it. This friend of mine would go swimming a few times a week in the a.m. I love the water. I love the feeling of being in the water, being by the water, touching water, drinking water, you name it. But I hadn't actually tried to swim a lap in years. Probably not since my mom had put me in swim lessons as a kid. I didn't know if I was doing it right, and (classic me) since I wasn't sure if I'd look stupid, I chose not to try.

But for some reason, I decided to start going with my friend to the pool. We'd crawl out of bed in the pitch blackness that was winter mornings in Utah and be at the pool at 6 am. This was pre-LASIK surgery so I wouldn't wear my contacts and just focus on the blurry blue line on the bottom of the pool. We'd swim for the free-swim hour and then go home, I'd shower and be at work by 8:00 am. I'd drink a shake on my walk to work. And then we'd do it all again the next day, or two days later.

I remember one day, walking to or from school, at a spot I could take you to right now, and feeling this incredible feeling that I had never felt before. A feeling I've been chasing ever since. I felt completely connected to my body. My body felt like the home and house for my spirit and they felt so in sync and in harmony. I felt so good.

So I've been thinking about how my body is my home. And how you can feel at home in your body, "no more a stranger nor a guest but like a child at home" where ever you go. Whatever situation you're in, you can have total home field advantage if your mind and body are connected. If you're one with yourself.

So that's my goal. That's my goal, one of my million trillion goals right now. But that's an important one because it fuels several of my other goals. I want to feel connected to my body I want all of me to be working together, not competing like separate beings. My body clashing with my mind, my physical limitations clashing with my goals. I want to be grounded. I read an article about the root chakra. And that seems to be what is imbalanced for me. 

Maybe I've been looking for error in the wrong places. I've always tried and tried to be more confident. But maybe there's a deeper cause to what I'm lacking. Maybe it's deeper. 

I wish that I could just ask and get the answer here. But that's not life, that's not at all how we learn. We learn little by little by little. And I'm willing to learn.

being put together

Seriously cannot tell you how many times in the past few months (orrrr the past 24 hours) that I've said to someone "Seriously, my life is out of control." It's true. I have been outta whack and I'm still working on getting "in whack". But I think I've had a breakthrough this week. I need to give all credit to God for this one, because He has been the difference. It's been a blessing, plain and simple. And I'm incredibly grateful for that. I'm grateful for the people that are in my life - all of them are such incredible individuals. That's my #1 that I'm grateful for - people. I need people so much, I am realizing more and more. People and relationships are what it's all about. I'm growing this year learning about that.
BUT as the title of this post says, I want to focus on making a list tonight: a list of what I believe makes people "put together".
Seriously brainstorming this as we go:

1. Cooking meals - especially breakfast. 
2. Having a bedtime
3. Taking good care of yourself - looking dece when you go outside.
4. Exercising regularly
5. Being able to roll with the punches of life, and relationships, and everything.
6. Looking outward daily
7. Improving relationships daily

So that's a few. I don't know why I wanted to make this list really. Other than my life has been out of control lately and that is something I'd like to stop.

I'm doing good. I'm doing better. I cooked for the past 2 days! (hallelujah hands!) My mind is getting healthier I think. Things are cooling down and looking better

Night.

mantras

So, mantra's have a bad wrap. Like, if you have a mantra or you say a mantra, you're a weirdo who needs to talk themselves down off a ledge every day. At least that's what it's like in my mind.
Yesterday, as I was perusing soc-med (totes abbrevs right now) I saw this post about mantras:

I have been thinking about this since last night. The world is pretty toxic. There's so much good in the world, but I also believe there is so much crap. And our minds are bombarded every day with what we're not based on what other people are, or what we should be, or what we could have been. It takes a toll on your mind, which takes a toll on your attitude, which takes a toll on your actions. Cyclical, right? 

So, why not inject your mind with good things on purpose? Why not take care of yourself and the way that you think? I read a book once that asked "Why do we spend so much time teaching kids 

math, and writing, and reading and so little time teaching them how to think?" TRUTH. 

Remember in The Help when Aibileen asked Mae Mobley for the last time:

“Baby Girl,” I say. “I need you to remember everything I told you. Do you remember what I told you?” ...

 I look deep into her rich brown eyes and she look into mine. Law, she got old-soul eyes, like she done lived a thousand years. And I swear I see, down inside, the woman she gone grow up to be. A flash from the future. She is tall and straight. She is proud. She got a better haircut. And she is remembering the words I put in her head. Remembering as a full grown woman. 

And then she say it, just like I need her to. “You is kind,” she say, “you is smart. You is important.”

That's a mantra, my friends. And it's one of the most beautiful gifts I've ever heard of. Aibileen was teaching Baby Girl how to think. She was giving her something positive to fill her head with because there was going to be so much going against her. Aibileen knew about how toxic the world and it's million voices were.

My mantra:

I AM affection

I AM confidence

I AM creativity

I AM active

I AM connected

Being vulnerable is so hard for me. Like, so so hard for me. But there it is, inter-webs. There are the things I want to be the most. 

What's your mantra? 

XOXO

settling

I'm gonna go full mormon on you and start with a definition:

settle: verbresolve or reach an agreement about (an argument or problem)adopt a more steady or secure style of life, especially in a permanent job and homesit or come to rest in a comfortable position.

So I mean, should I do that? None of those things seem bad. Resolve. Agree. Steady. Secure. Sit. Rest. Comfortable.

I hear two sides to this settling argument. "Never settle!" and "Don't be too picky!" I've always preferred the former. Because I think we're all worth every good thing we want. We don't always ask for that, is the problem. We can have all the good things we want. But sometimes we don't do the things that will make them happen.
Ugh, all of this philosophical shiz. It drives me crazy sometimes. Sometimes I want cold cut facts and actions. And all I have in my mind is walking in a circle philosophical garbage. 
I talked to my friend last night about possibilities.  And creating new possibilities for yourself. And acting in a new way. All of this is familiar. There is nothing new to me, really. Nothing is new. 
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. 
I see all these people. Living happy. Married. With Kids.
No secret, that's the life I'm wanting right now. That's the life I'm ready for. But all the guys who want to give me that life, or give me a start to that life, I don't want. But should I? I'm sure we'd be happy. I'm sure we'd be fine. I'm sure I'd even say later "I'm so grateful I didn't wait. I'm so grateful for this man." But here's the thing. Right now I know what I want. I know what not settling would look and feel like. And all the other things, they're settling. 
I guess I need to figure out if I want to settle and have the life I want, or if I want to hold out and have an unknown future and hopefully someday have the life I want. I guess that's the choice? Is it?
Okay, guys. What do you think? If anyone out in the world wide webs reads this rant and has any advice for me, I'm all ears. 

fasting

Fasting. Going without food or water for a period of time. If you're Ghandi, or you're religious, or you're doing some kind of a cleanse, you might have fasted before. 

Yesterday, I fasted. I fasted for healing and for happiness. Fasting without a purpose is, to me, the stupidest thing in the world. But fasting with a purpose - whoa. It changes things. It changes you. 

I started my fast yesterday with a prayer, to God. I asked Him for help with specific things that are cracking my heart and bending my spine, and then I asked Him to bless me to be happy yesterday. I said something like "Will you please just bless me to be happy today?" Sometimes you just need happy. I needed it yesterday.

People wonder if God loves them, or is aware of them, if He exists. I have wondered these things before; each of them. Yesterday I knew that God exists, loves me, and is aware of my life. Sometime between 8:30 and 10:30 I remember having the distinct thought "I'm happy. I asked Him to bless me with happiness and He did." 

Fasting is clarity to me. I remember when I was a missionary fasting one Sunday in Kingwood, Texas. I felt clarity like I'd never felt it before. I don't remember what I was fasting for, I doubt it was "clarity" exactly, but I felt it in every part of me. 

Sometimes, rationally, fasting doesn't make sense to me. Like, I'm not going to eat or drink and pray about my problems for a whole day, and you're going to turn around and make something manifest in my life that is unrelated to food and water? It doesn't seem to correlate. Does that make sense? That's when I remember that spiritual things always make sense. And someday I believe with all my heart I'll get it. Faith. That's faith. Trusting when it's dark. Trusting because other things have been dark, and then suddenly they weren't. Trusting that can happen again. 

Something I learned in the last day or so. You will survive. You will live through this thing that you thought would completely destroy you. You can still function and be hurting. You can still get up every day and be broken all day long. You can still wake up and get out of bed. You can survive pain. Pain doesn't destroy you. You can live through it. I don't know how often I have faced that kind of pain in my life, really faced it and allowed it to run it's course. Not "fixed" it because in this case I can't. 

So yesterday I was really happy at some point. And then I woke up this morning (why are mornings so hard? They are) and it was hurting again. And I almost gave in to it. I've given in to it for days and days previously. But this time I didn't. This time I came in to work. And I finished some projects and started others. This happens to be one of my projects for work. It's a writing exercise. Anyway, I am not giving in. I'm still here. This still hurts. But it honesty doesn't hurt as bad. And I feel hope again. That's another post for another time, but I'm starting to think that hope is necessary for happiness. Hope is what keeps us in the ring, keeps us swinging when our eyes are both swollen shut from being pummeled by life.

Easy times are coming. I have faith in that. I'm grateful for that hope. I'm grateful for the people that God gives to us. I'm grateful for fasting. Try it, if you want. Try fasting with a purpose. And watch how the Lord gives you what He can. He will give you everything that He can. He will because He loves you, he is aware of you, and He exists. 

just hi

cali was amazing, just what i needed. got me thinking, got me relaxing and got me into the warm sun. consider yourself soaked, babe.

hobbies

Where does that term even come from, 'hobbies'? I'm gonna google it... here we go! from etymology online :

hobby (n.) 

late 13c., hobyn, "small horse, pony," later "mock horse used in the morris dance," and c.1550 "child's toy riding horse," which led to hobby-horse in a transferred sense of "favorite pastime or avocation," first recorded 1670s, shortened to hobby by 1816. The connecting notion being "activity that doesn't go anywhere." Probably originally a proper name for a horse (see dobbin), a diminutive of Robert or Robin. The original hobbyhorse was a "Tourney Horse," a wooden or basketwork frame worn around the waist and held on with shoulder straps, with a fake tail and horse head attached, so the wearer appears to be riding a horse. These were part of church and civic celebrations at Midsummer and New Year's throughout England.

Anyway, this girl is a college grad - as I mentioned. It feels really good. I'm telling everyone that because they are asking me and it's the truth. No more homework does not suck. But this is an adjustment, people. Since I was 5 years old I have been in school. And now, suddenly, I'm just not. And my new job lacks the structure that was automatic in school. So blah blah blah, yada yada yada, I'm floating around a little bit. I've been thinking about hobbies a lot. I mean, I seriously hate when people ask me (you know on a first date or something) "what do you like to do in your spare time?" cause the answer always used to be "and what spare time would this be?" because, let's be real, I had very little. Little enough that I spent it on the couch or eating out with my friends or joy riding to Utah Lake (that was the activity of last summer). And so, now that excuse is poof - gone!

So what am I going to say when all of these eligible bachelor's ask me what I do for fun?

Well here goes:

1) Singing. I have always loved singing. There are videos of me, having flooded the bathroom floor, singing "Sing Sweet Nightingale" from Cinderella (except I only knew those words so it just was a lot of repetition). But I have lost my skill for the most part. And I love it. So I'm going to find a way to get better, find a motivating end goal (like perform at open mic night at the velour maybe?) and do it.

2) cooking. This is just not going to happen unless I make it a goal. It's absolutely not. I don't love eating and I pretty much hate cooking. This is party due to the fact that I feel like my kitchen is kind of gross, but I'm just going to need to deal with that. 

So there are my two starts. Not quite riding a pony but it's something. Adios for now.

So that's my email signature. MINE. Because I have a job and I work and I love it. I miss school, but I love this job. LOOOVE this job. The holidays were relaxing and perfect and just what I needed. And I'm ready to get started on this year. I'm sick of saying, like I did in the last post, that surely this is my year. Surely this is the year. Because... I'm just sick of it. But this year is going to be something. I'll be around here a little more I think. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out how to put that e-mail signature on my new e-mail account.... hence the blog post. I needed to make it public property or something. But then I decided to write that
This is a year. It is a year like last year - and unlike it in every way. And that feels better than this is going to be blah blah blah the best year of my life when all my dreams come true.
The word this year is [give]. I'm trying to do that. Adios.