settling

I'm gonna go full mormon on you and start with a definition:

settle: verbresolve or reach an agreement about (an argument or problem)adopt a more steady or secure style of life, especially in a permanent job and homesit or come to rest in a comfortable position.

So I mean, should I do that? None of those things seem bad. Resolve. Agree. Steady. Secure. Sit. Rest. Comfortable.

I hear two sides to this settling argument. "Never settle!" and "Don't be too picky!" I've always preferred the former. Because I think we're all worth every good thing we want. We don't always ask for that, is the problem. We can have all the good things we want. But sometimes we don't do the things that will make them happen.
Ugh, all of this philosophical shiz. It drives me crazy sometimes. Sometimes I want cold cut facts and actions. And all I have in my mind is walking in a circle philosophical garbage. 
I talked to my friend last night about possibilities.  And creating new possibilities for yourself. And acting in a new way. All of this is familiar. There is nothing new to me, really. Nothing is new. 
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. 
I see all these people. Living happy. Married. With Kids.
No secret, that's the life I'm wanting right now. That's the life I'm ready for. But all the guys who want to give me that life, or give me a start to that life, I don't want. But should I? I'm sure we'd be happy. I'm sure we'd be fine. I'm sure I'd even say later "I'm so grateful I didn't wait. I'm so grateful for this man." But here's the thing. Right now I know what I want. I know what not settling would look and feel like. And all the other things, they're settling. 
I guess I need to figure out if I want to settle and have the life I want, or if I want to hold out and have an unknown future and hopefully someday have the life I want. I guess that's the choice? Is it?
Okay, guys. What do you think? If anyone out in the world wide webs reads this rant and has any advice for me, I'm all ears. 

fasting

Fasting. Going without food or water for a period of time. If you're Ghandi, or you're religious, or you're doing some kind of a cleanse, you might have fasted before. 

Yesterday, I fasted. I fasted for healing and for happiness. Fasting without a purpose is, to me, the stupidest thing in the world. But fasting with a purpose - whoa. It changes things. It changes you. 

I started my fast yesterday with a prayer, to God. I asked Him for help with specific things that are cracking my heart and bending my spine, and then I asked Him to bless me to be happy yesterday. I said something like "Will you please just bless me to be happy today?" Sometimes you just need happy. I needed it yesterday.

People wonder if God loves them, or is aware of them, if He exists. I have wondered these things before; each of them. Yesterday I knew that God exists, loves me, and is aware of my life. Sometime between 8:30 and 10:30 I remember having the distinct thought "I'm happy. I asked Him to bless me with happiness and He did." 

Fasting is clarity to me. I remember when I was a missionary fasting one Sunday in Kingwood, Texas. I felt clarity like I'd never felt it before. I don't remember what I was fasting for, I doubt it was "clarity" exactly, but I felt it in every part of me. 

Sometimes, rationally, fasting doesn't make sense to me. Like, I'm not going to eat or drink and pray about my problems for a whole day, and you're going to turn around and make something manifest in my life that is unrelated to food and water? It doesn't seem to correlate. Does that make sense? That's when I remember that spiritual things always make sense. And someday I believe with all my heart I'll get it. Faith. That's faith. Trusting when it's dark. Trusting because other things have been dark, and then suddenly they weren't. Trusting that can happen again. 

Something I learned in the last day or so. You will survive. You will live through this thing that you thought would completely destroy you. You can still function and be hurting. You can still get up every day and be broken all day long. You can still wake up and get out of bed. You can survive pain. Pain doesn't destroy you. You can live through it. I don't know how often I have faced that kind of pain in my life, really faced it and allowed it to run it's course. Not "fixed" it because in this case I can't. 

So yesterday I was really happy at some point. And then I woke up this morning (why are mornings so hard? They are) and it was hurting again. And I almost gave in to it. I've given in to it for days and days previously. But this time I didn't. This time I came in to work. And I finished some projects and started others. This happens to be one of my projects for work. It's a writing exercise. Anyway, I am not giving in. I'm still here. This still hurts. But it honesty doesn't hurt as bad. And I feel hope again. That's another post for another time, but I'm starting to think that hope is necessary for happiness. Hope is what keeps us in the ring, keeps us swinging when our eyes are both swollen shut from being pummeled by life.

Easy times are coming. I have faith in that. I'm grateful for that hope. I'm grateful for the people that God gives to us. I'm grateful for fasting. Try it, if you want. Try fasting with a purpose. And watch how the Lord gives you what He can. He will give you everything that He can. He will because He loves you, he is aware of you, and He exists. 

just hi

cali was amazing, just what i needed. got me thinking, got me relaxing and got me into the warm sun. consider yourself soaked, babe.

hobbies

Where does that term even come from, 'hobbies'? I'm gonna google it... here we go! from etymology online :

hobby (n.) 

late 13c., hobyn, "small horse, pony," later "mock horse used in the morris dance," and c.1550 "child's toy riding horse," which led to hobby-horse in a transferred sense of "favorite pastime or avocation," first recorded 1670s, shortened to hobby by 1816. The connecting notion being "activity that doesn't go anywhere." Probably originally a proper name for a horse (see dobbin), a diminutive of Robert or Robin. The original hobbyhorse was a "Tourney Horse," a wooden or basketwork frame worn around the waist and held on with shoulder straps, with a fake tail and horse head attached, so the wearer appears to be riding a horse. These were part of church and civic celebrations at Midsummer and New Year's throughout England.

Anyway, this girl is a college grad - as I mentioned. It feels really good. I'm telling everyone that because they are asking me and it's the truth. No more homework does not suck. But this is an adjustment, people. Since I was 5 years old I have been in school. And now, suddenly, I'm just not. And my new job lacks the structure that was automatic in school. So blah blah blah, yada yada yada, I'm floating around a little bit. I've been thinking about hobbies a lot. I mean, I seriously hate when people ask me (you know on a first date or something) "what do you like to do in your spare time?" cause the answer always used to be "and what spare time would this be?" because, let's be real, I had very little. Little enough that I spent it on the couch or eating out with my friends or joy riding to Utah Lake (that was the activity of last summer). And so, now that excuse is poof - gone!

So what am I going to say when all of these eligible bachelor's ask me what I do for fun?

Well here goes:

1) Singing. I have always loved singing. There are videos of me, having flooded the bathroom floor, singing "Sing Sweet Nightingale" from Cinderella (except I only knew those words so it just was a lot of repetition). But I have lost my skill for the most part. And I love it. So I'm going to find a way to get better, find a motivating end goal (like perform at open mic night at the velour maybe?) and do it.

2) cooking. This is just not going to happen unless I make it a goal. It's absolutely not. I don't love eating and I pretty much hate cooking. This is party due to the fact that I feel like my kitchen is kind of gross, but I'm just going to need to deal with that. 

So there are my two starts. Not quite riding a pony but it's something. Adios for now.

So that's my email signature. MINE. Because I have a job and I work and I love it. I miss school, but I love this job. LOOOVE this job. The holidays were relaxing and perfect and just what I needed. And I'm ready to get started on this year. I'm sick of saying, like I did in the last post, that surely this is my year. Surely this is the year. Because... I'm just sick of it. But this year is going to be something. I'll be around here a little more I think. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out how to put that e-mail signature on my new e-mail account.... hence the blog post. I needed to make it public property or something. But then I decided to write that
This is a year. It is a year like last year - and unlike it in every way. And that feels better than this is going to be blah blah blah the best year of my life when all my dreams come true.
The word this year is [give]. I'm trying to do that. Adios.

What a day and no snow

Well hey. I had a pretty bad day today, even threw a temper tantrum (neat, I am 3 years old) ans have been dizzy all day. But I also had a great long talk with kimmy lane and have read quite a few very uplifting blog posts. I realized that I don't have the deep thoughts I used to have as a missionary any more, and I think I can if I just allow myself more time for focus, less time for distractions of social media (bleh). 

I don't think very much any more about the plan I know God has for me. The plan that I know he made for everyone. "God did not put you on this earth to fail but to succeed gloriously". I don't think about the plan of salvation, that includes everyone. Me, too. I definitely don't think about those around me very often, I have become so concerned with myself. 

I don't want to write down a bunch of goals, resolutions, or intentions. Frankly my journal is full of lists upon lists of those. Each one of them as empty feeling as the last. I just want to write. I don't do it very often cause I'm afraid that someone will read this, someone I don't want to, and I'll be exposed- embarrassed. I want to write because I want something brilliant to come out, something inspiring. Honey, to write inspiring things you need to think inspiring thoughts. You want to.

I'm coming up on my last week of college - maybe ever. And I'm just feeling the stress of it all. I'm facing another holiday season completely single and let me tell you, the comments from friends and family are getting verrrrryy old spinster-y. Which is awesome. And I'm facing the end of a year I thought would change everything- and it didn't. I'm facing another list of New Years resolutions that I fully intend to keep. Another chest teeming with hope that this year will be different- it will be the magic year that I finally become who I want to be. 

And everything is uncertain. All I really know is I raged at heaven today. And yet I still feel love from heaven. I still feel an outpouring of good and Godly love from a Father that I haven't wanted to talk to lately. I still feel that. "Unworthy" as I am, I still feel worthy of that. And if I'm worthy of that, maybe there's hope that won't cripple me after all. Hope has been so painful lately. And especially today, I specifically told God that I didn't want to  ask for anything from Him because I was tired of being disappointed. But hope is hard to kill, right Mariah Carey? Though hope is frail it's hard to kill. I want my mind to be how it was when I had beautiful thoughts. 

life lately

tonight i wrote a bucket list. want to see it? 

1. swim with sharks
2. bungee jump over a river
3. ride an overnight train
4. learn to surf
5. write a book
6. become a good cook
7. take my kids to Disneyland
8. visit every continent
9. watch fireworks from a kayak
10. make out in a library

that's a good start, right?

my life has been so off kilter lately. I have left my keys at home and been locked out not once, not twice, but three different times in the past 3 weeks. I have let myself spiral into competitive mode and started keeping score with my life. I have lost desire to have goals. 

funny as it sounds, the last time I locked myself out (I was on my way to Mikelle's "last" wedding dress fitting - I say "last" because I swear every time they say that it's like "It's gonna be six weeks and $10,000" am I right tom hanks?) I was so frustrated with myself. It was over 90 degrees and windy and it all hit me. How unorganized my life has been, how unfocused.

That was actually a good moment. I am really excited for the now again, and for the future. 

I've missed blogging, I've missed writing terribly - like someone cut off my leg or something. I just have missed it, but it's so busy right now. 

or is it? or have i been making it too busy?

i'm working out again. week 1 of the BBG, let's goooo!

The Crawfords are home, so now they can come to my wedding. I can't wait for that.

But seriously, with Mikelle getting married, I'm realizing that it is so time. And I hope that everyone is in agreement with that realization.

Rambling.

Sometimes I listen to Drew Tretick and feel grateful for beauty in the world. And my home. And my country.