the smallest bit

i was obviously very hurt yesterday. just take everything i said and tone it down a notch. I still feel all of those ways, but I'm not as emotional.
But I still feel all of those things. The pain and the gratitude
just wanted to update.

the gift of pain.

Here's a quote that I've loved for a long time, but has recently been brought to my mind:

Now God, who knows our happiness lies in Him, when we are content without God (or with God kept in second place), may, out of love,
give us the gift of pain—not to punish us, but to draw us to himself and keep us from even
greater suffering in the future. 

This is based on a C.S. Lewis quote and I have been drawn to it for the past few days. Because people are not perfect. And I don't care who you are, you are going to be hurt by the closest people in your life. You're not going to deserve it, you're not going to understand it, and you're not going to feel great about it.You're going to hurt about it, because you let someone else in. You trusted someone and they betrayed you. Another quote I love "The hardest part of betrayal is that is never comes from your enemies" Nope, you are betrayed by those who should be your closest supporters. And how do you deal with this?
For me, I have been praying to know what the Lord wants me to do in my life. And I've specifically been like "Lord, I can take it. Even if it's a whammy I can take it" And then my friend hurt me pretty bad this week. I don't agree even a little with what they said, and I don't think that they, being my friend, should ever even think or believe such things about me. I, like I said, don't deserve that. No body does. I don't think what my friend said to me is the answer to my prayer. After thinking and praying about this situation, I believe that the answer to my prayer is that the Lord wants me to turn to him. He didn't cause my friend to say such a horrible thing to me, and he doesn't want me in pain, but he does allow me to feel this pain because he wants to be drawn to Him.
I seem to forget Him pretty often when things are good. When I am blessed. And He knows that I need Him, and in the days ahead I'm really going to need Him.

So, this gift of pain. It is not to hear hurtful things that stab me square between the shoulder blades. This gift of pain comes from understanding that my trust should never have been anywhere but the Lord. The only one who won't hurt you and disappoint you. And this gift of pain teaches me that.

I'm honestly, obviously, astonished by what happened this week. I thought I could trust this friend. And maybe I still can. But right now, I'm shocked and "Et tu, Brutus?"-ing.

But if I know anything, it's that someday I'll be better becuase of this pain. If for no other reason, than the most important one: I'll be closer to my Savior.

"Bring to him your troubled heart
Lay your cares before him
He has suffered every pain
Blessed be His name"

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