What a day and no snow

Well hey. I had a pretty bad day today, even threw a temper tantrum (neat, I am 3 years old) ans have been dizzy all day. But I also had a great long talk with kimmy lane and have read quite a few very uplifting blog posts. I realized that I don't have the deep thoughts I used to have as a missionary any more, and I think I can if I just allow myself more time for focus, less time for distractions of social media (bleh). 

I don't think very much any more about the plan I know God has for me. The plan that I know he made for everyone. "God did not put you on this earth to fail but to succeed gloriously". I don't think about the plan of salvation, that includes everyone. Me, too. I definitely don't think about those around me very often, I have become so concerned with myself. 

I don't want to write down a bunch of goals, resolutions, or intentions. Frankly my journal is full of lists upon lists of those. Each one of them as empty feeling as the last. I just want to write. I don't do it very often cause I'm afraid that someone will read this, someone I don't want to, and I'll be exposed- embarrassed. I want to write because I want something brilliant to come out, something inspiring. Honey, to write inspiring things you need to think inspiring thoughts. You want to.

I'm coming up on my last week of college - maybe ever. And I'm just feeling the stress of it all. I'm facing another holiday season completely single and let me tell you, the comments from friends and family are getting verrrrryy old spinster-y. Which is awesome. And I'm facing the end of a year I thought would change everything- and it didn't. I'm facing another list of New Years resolutions that I fully intend to keep. Another chest teeming with hope that this year will be different- it will be the magic year that I finally become who I want to be. 

And everything is uncertain. All I really know is I raged at heaven today. And yet I still feel love from heaven. I still feel an outpouring of good and Godly love from a Father that I haven't wanted to talk to lately. I still feel that. "Unworthy" as I am, I still feel worthy of that. And if I'm worthy of that, maybe there's hope that won't cripple me after all. Hope has been so painful lately. And especially today, I specifically told God that I didn't want to  ask for anything from Him because I was tired of being disappointed. But hope is hard to kill, right Mariah Carey? Though hope is frail it's hard to kill. I want my mind to be how it was when I had beautiful thoughts. 

life lately

tonight i wrote a bucket list. want to see it? 

1. swim with sharks
2. bungee jump over a river
3. ride an overnight train
4. learn to surf
5. write a book
6. become a good cook
7. take my kids to Disneyland
8. visit every continent
9. watch fireworks from a kayak
10. make out in a library

that's a good start, right?

my life has been so off kilter lately. I have left my keys at home and been locked out not once, not twice, but three different times in the past 3 weeks. I have let myself spiral into competitive mode and started keeping score with my life. I have lost desire to have goals. 

funny as it sounds, the last time I locked myself out (I was on my way to Mikelle's "last" wedding dress fitting - I say "last" because I swear every time they say that it's like "It's gonna be six weeks and $10,000" am I right tom hanks?) I was so frustrated with myself. It was over 90 degrees and windy and it all hit me. How unorganized my life has been, how unfocused.

That was actually a good moment. I am really excited for the now again, and for the future. 

I've missed blogging, I've missed writing terribly - like someone cut off my leg or something. I just have missed it, but it's so busy right now. 

or is it? or have i been making it too busy?

i'm working out again. week 1 of the BBG, let's goooo!

The Crawfords are home, so now they can come to my wedding. I can't wait for that.

But seriously, with Mikelle getting married, I'm realizing that it is so time. And I hope that everyone is in agreement with that realization.

Rambling.

Sometimes I listen to Drew Tretick and feel grateful for beauty in the world. And my home. And my country. 

the smallest bit

i was obviously very hurt yesterday. just take everything i said and tone it down a notch. I still feel all of those ways, but I'm not as emotional.
But I still feel all of those things. The pain and the gratitude
just wanted to update.

the gift of pain.

Here's a quote that I've loved for a long time, but has recently been brought to my mind:

Now God, who knows our happiness lies in Him, when we are content without God (or with God kept in second place), may, out of love,
give us the gift of pain—not to punish us, but to draw us to himself and keep us from even
greater suffering in the future. 

This is based on a C.S. Lewis quote and I have been drawn to it for the past few days. Because people are not perfect. And I don't care who you are, you are going to be hurt by the closest people in your life. You're not going to deserve it, you're not going to understand it, and you're not going to feel great about it.You're going to hurt about it, because you let someone else in. You trusted someone and they betrayed you. Another quote I love "The hardest part of betrayal is that is never comes from your enemies" Nope, you are betrayed by those who should be your closest supporters. And how do you deal with this?
For me, I have been praying to know what the Lord wants me to do in my life. And I've specifically been like "Lord, I can take it. Even if it's a whammy I can take it" And then my friend hurt me pretty bad this week. I don't agree even a little with what they said, and I don't think that they, being my friend, should ever even think or believe such things about me. I, like I said, don't deserve that. No body does. I don't think what my friend said to me is the answer to my prayer. After thinking and praying about this situation, I believe that the answer to my prayer is that the Lord wants me to turn to him. He didn't cause my friend to say such a horrible thing to me, and he doesn't want me in pain, but he does allow me to feel this pain because he wants to be drawn to Him.
I seem to forget Him pretty often when things are good. When I am blessed. And He knows that I need Him, and in the days ahead I'm really going to need Him.

So, this gift of pain. It is not to hear hurtful things that stab me square between the shoulder blades. This gift of pain comes from understanding that my trust should never have been anywhere but the Lord. The only one who won't hurt you and disappoint you. And this gift of pain teaches me that.

I'm honestly, obviously, astonished by what happened this week. I thought I could trust this friend. And maybe I still can. But right now, I'm shocked and "Et tu, Brutus?"-ing.

But if I know anything, it's that someday I'll be better becuase of this pain. If for no other reason, than the most important one: I'll be closer to my Savior.

"Bring to him your troubled heart
Lay your cares before him
He has suffered every pain
Blessed be His name"

Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/blessed-be-his-name-lyrics-jenny-phillips.html#6ECYV10SPub82Ff6.99

happy birthday, glory hallelujah!

Guys. For my birthday I'm getting

NEW EYES. As in LASIK. As in, Glory hallelujah I was blind but now I see!

I am so excited. 

(By the way, this is a picture from my computer, so the quality is suck-o but it IS still #nofilterchallenge worthy.)

So, what's the best birthday present you've ever gotten?

[Ima post later about the killer surprise party I got thrown. My sweetie friends are the best... and maybe the gutsy borderline stalker thing I did this morning. It was pretty bold... why don't I wait and see how it turns out before I tell you? ]

no filter challenge

So, I don't think filters are inherently bad. I've done a filter on basically every instagram ever. We all know we look a little better with some "Lo-Fi" action going on, mmkay?But I am going to try this: the no filter challenge.
Why do we have to "touch up" our lives (metaphorically speaking)? Why don't we feel like the raw details cut it, why aren't they enough? Change this little thing and maybe we'll start to feel better about toxic social media. maybe I will.

So, for my very first #nofilterchallenge here's a picture from california. Perfect lighting was magically present for the first time in my life in these pictures.... So sue me, I'm not that brave yet haha.

#nofilterchallenge

the velveteen rabbit

"But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to those who don't understand."

Being "Real" has been a goal of mine forever. To be real is to be genuine, to be able to be trusted. What an accomplishment to become Real. Preach, Skin Horse, "it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or who have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept". You've got to be pretty resilient. Becoming Real does hurt sometimes. I mean, we are all trying to figure things out and when unique imperfections collide, the clash can be brutal. 

Been thinking about returning to writing for a while now. The other day when I was home for the evening, my mom laid on the couch and I curled up in the over-sized arm chair that Rico recovered and we talked about finding out and accepting who you are. The velveteen rabbit was learning about it almost 100 years before our conversation. This becoming real, that happens bit by bit and sometimes hurts but makes you incapable of ugly..

 for me I think involves writing. 

What does it involve for you?

In any case, I'm back. Hi how are you?